Do You Really Want to Be Friends with Your New Ex?
“I hope we can be friends.” It’s the first thing many dumpers or dumpees say postbreakup; for the dumpee, it’s that last glimmer of hope; for the dumper, it’s an act of compassion. Next time, ask yourself these questions before you go the friend route:
- Can you envision yourself having coffee or dinner with your ex in the future?
- Can you resist ex sex?
- Would you be able to handle hearing about his new girlfriend? How about attending his wedding?
- Would you still be willing to listen to him complain about his job, family, or back problems?
- Would you be fine if you never saw him again?
- Are you just trying to avoid feeling like a jerk?
If You Really Do …
Don’t rush it. You’re not going to be friends the day after you break up. And you certainly aren’t going to be friends at 2 a.m. the night after you break up, which leads us to no ex sex. Even if you can have a no-strings-attached walk down memory lane, your ex might not be able to. Try to limit your first platonic interactions to public places, during daylight hours. And sex isn’t the only thing in the relationship that’s going to change: your ex is not going to be your best friend. You can’t talk every day like you used to, and you can’t lean on him for support, at least not yet. You’ll need to take a few big steps away first, both physically and emotionally.
If You Really Don’t …
Opting out of a friendship with your ex does not mean opting out of being polite. If you meet in public, be civil, no matter what. Venting is a natural part of the breakup process. It’s unrealistic to expect both the dumper and the dumpee won’t have a few choice words to spout about their new ex, but be careful whom you vent to. If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all, or, if you’re human like the rest of us, bad-mouth him only to your own trusted friends, not to mutual friends, as tempting as it will be. It may feel reassuring to rally allies in the wake of a breakup, but it will only prolong any pain and anger.
The goal of any breakup is to survive the fallout and limit the collateral damage. Follow these guidelines, and you can know you at least acted humanely.
