It was three o’clock in the morning and my neighbor’s little dog had been barking since midnight. It wasn’t the first time, so I wasn’t too concerned. I know his voice and he didn’t sound distressed, only annoyed. I guessed that it was probably because of a wandering skunk or raccoon. Just as I turned toward my bedside table to insert earplugs, the sound of a woman yelling, “Make your dog stop!” got me out of bed.
I went to the side door facing my neighbor’s house to find a woman holding a flashlight. She was trying to say something that I couldn’t make out because by that time my dog was barking ferociously. She looked harmless and small in her oversized jacket and pink pajamas, so I motioned to her to meet me at the front door so we could talk. After apologizing for getting me up, she asked if I knew the dog owner and why they were letting it bark so long. I told her I’d already tried calling them twice but they probably didn’t have their cell phones on. She wanted to call the police or the Humane Society but I talked her out of it. I assured her that everything was probably fine. I’d check on the owners in the morning, and if she wanted, she could leave me her number and I’d call her. She thanked me, apologized again, and then went on to say that she’d already been having trouble sleeping because she and her husband were divorcing after twenty years of marriage. She’d just turned fifty and they were going to lose their house. Tears began welling up in her eyes, so I asked her if she could use a hug and she said yes. As we embraced, a white van passed by suspiciously slow.
“Oh, it’s all right. That’s my husband,” she said.
“Well, at least he still cares about you.”
She smiled and we wished each other good night.
Weeks later, I thought about that woman during the World Cup when after a triumphant game, the U.S. soccer star Landon Donovan blew a kiss to the camera and said “Hi, Bianca.”
Apparently, it made the news because Bianca is his soon-to-be ex-wife. Their marriage only lasted three years but in the midst of so many recent high profile “late-life” divorces, it’s refreshing to see a couple part amicably with genuine affection. After thinking about it some more though, I thought maybe they are so amicable because their marriage was so brief. When you’ve invested a lifetime in someone, breaking up is not easy. One day, you’re standing in front of family and friends who’ve gathered to witness you and your beloved recite the marriage vows. You promise “to love, honor, keep each other in sickness and in health, for richer, for poorer, for better or worse, in sadness and in joy, forsaking all others as long as you both live.”
Never would you imagine that in twenty, thirty, forty years or more, the person standing beside you, looking deep into your eyes, holding your hand, could one day no longer stand the sight of you or bear to be within ten feet of you, even at major family events.
As a friend or family member, what do you say to someone who’s getting a late-life divorce? If you didn’t like one half of the couple, you can opt to say nothing. Just pretend that person never existed. Don’t return phone calls, drop them from your Christmas card list, forget they had kids, move, and let them find out for themselves. It’s common for people to choose one person over the other. One of my favorite shows, Curb Your Enthusiasm, did a whole episode on it. Friends, family, housekeepers, restaurant hostesses; everyone chose the main character’s wife over him and told him so to his face. It was both sad and hilarious and probably never happens in real life. Most people are too polite to be honest.
