There is something about knowing what you are going to do before you do it that suddenly gives every small thing new life and more meaning. Suddenly those conversations about what movie you are going to see become more poignant, walking out of the movie with his arm around you feels sad and good at the same time. Sad because you know it is almost over. Good because it is a memory that you will cherish. The Sunday ritual gains new meaning in its simplicity, and I know that for infinite Sundays to come, I will miss what it once meant to be “us.” Waking up in the middle of the night in our house fills me with comfort, and soon I will be waking up somewhere else. That frightens me. The way we interact with our friends stops me in my tracks sometimes, suddenly, brutally paralyzed by a fear of rejection. What if they take sides? What if I am the one left out. What am I doing? Do I know what I am doing?
There is pain around every corner, pain in the memories—especially the good ones. The ones that make me smile and cringe all at once. Smile because for a moment I am back, reliving it, reveling in it, enjoying it. Then I cringe, for all the same reasons. Hating how love is not enough, hating that we once thought it was. And if love is not enough, what is?
Sometimes I believe this can last forever. That we can continue to exist in this sort of half-life we live together. Not acknowledging the enormous and extremely loud rhino in the room. Yes, I said rhino. They tend to be more vicious and deliberate than elephants and this feels deliberate. This is not the clumsy, oh-it-just-happened-oops elephant, it is, more accurately, the we-saw-it-coming-all-along rhino and we just couldn’t get out of the way in time.
The room is disheveled, but of course only in theory, because neither of us would ever let a thing be out of place. The room is in actuality immaculate, like the rest of our home and lives. This is in no way organized chaos; this is a perfectly organized clusterfuck. That is why it will come as such a shock to those who know us. That is what makes this all so disheartening and disappointing. An elephant you can guide out with some peanuts, but a rhino will only leave if removed forcefully.
I said it once and I will say it again, love is not enough. You can have an enormous garden, planted with the most flawlessly crafted seeds that are sure to yield amazing produce and stunning fruits, but without water, it is just a plot of dirt filled with potential.
I bet I can guess the thoughts running through your head right now: Well then water it! All good things take work and relationships are no different. I know you are thinking it because I have had no lack of these thoughts. But the fact of the matter is, some water is toxic.
