This two-part post is based upon my observations working with women who are leaving relationships where there is intimate partner violence; in my non-blogging life I am a domestic violence advocate, having completed an excellent training program required by the state where I live to do such advocacy.
Does that make me an expert, qualified to tell you what to do? No, but it does mean that I have gotten to know and follow a large number of women who are leaving relationships. I have learned by watching them solve the problems that come with the decision to leave that there are things you can do to help yourself prepare for and endure the process you are considering making your next step in life.
The reason this post is divided into two parts—this is the first—is that having children in common with your partner changes things. Acting like it is the same for a couple to break up and a family, however dysfunctional, to break up ignores reality, to say the least. This post is about breaking up with no children in common involved. There may be stepchildren you have been raising, but when breakup time comes, those children stay with their natural parent.
It’s no longer “we,” it’s “me.” Shifting from “we” to “me” is a basic shift in thinking that goes against most women’s idea of being not only a good woman, but being a good person. But if you don’t make it, you will find “we” thinking sabotaging your efforts at every turn.
Even in situations where women are in for a fight for their lives by trying to leave, there is the hope that, once the dust settles, the partner will come around and they can be friends, or friendly, or no hard feelings, or something along those lines. Mentally flipping ahead to a wished-for resolution instead of concentrating on the reality of tearing down and breaking up sets you up for big problems.
Problems like trying to share things, which need to be divided, i.e. a home, a business. Failing to obtain copies of all the paperwork involved in running your family business like income and bank statements, tax returns, trusting that your partner will hand over complete copies at a later date. Staying, or allowing your partner to stay in the same residence during the divorce. Sharing an attorney, trying to do without legal help. Assuming friends and family will still be your support system, and letting them know your plans or even your emotional state.
The end of a relationship changes all your other relationships. Acting like you are an independent person, starting to build a life, is not cold or selfish. It mirrors the fact that this is a Big Shift and by taking a firm stand as your own person, you give friends, family, the Court, your attorney, and your support system the assurance that you are ready to move forward. Staying in “we” mode signals you have a foot in two camps. Which “you” are people to believe?
By yourself but not all by yourself. It takes help to leave a relationship, before, during, and after. The most common mistake women make is to draw that help from pre-existing friends, from family, an attorney, and maybe a therapist. Your attorney is not your friend. He/She is not your enemy either, by the way. An attorney is a guide through the maze of legal procedures and paperwork involved in a relationship breakup with the predetermined goal of getting you a divorce document that covers all the bases, one that a judge will approve. More about that later.
Therapy is a must, not a luxury. You might have to wait for a while to gather the time and energy to find someone, but processing how the breakup happened and who you are post breakup eventually requires a trusted, experienced advisor.
