I said it a million times, over and over on so many occasions. And then when I actually did it, no one believed me. They still don’t believe me and it has been five months since I did it.
So many times during my marriage when I was mad or frustrated, I said I was leaving. I threatened so many times and actually packed my bags. But I never had the courage to actually do it. What was I afraid of? What stopped me?
So many things: I didn’t want to admit failure; I have three kids. Were things really that bad? Was it really worth the turmoil? Could I really survive on my own? I was scared and I kept thinking it would get better; I could make it better. I was supposed to grow old with this man, to be with him forever. But I was dying inside, I was so unhappy, and I couldn’t bear to wake up every day thinking that this was it; this is what my life is going to be like. Then finally one day I did it. I packed a bag and I left. I was lucky because I had a friend’s apartment that was in need of a house sitter. So, I had somewhere to stay and I could afford it since I didn’t need to pay anything except the utilities.
So there I was on my own, one day passed, and then a week passed and everyone expected me to move back home, myself included. But with every day that passed, the less and less I wanted to move back home, the more I liked myself, the more I wanted to be on my own and the less scared I was about disappointing everyone else. This is about me; I need to be me. I can’t just be someone’s wife and someone’s mother, especially if it was making me so unhappy. How could I be there for anyone if I was drowning in sorrow and depressed and thinking I was stuck for the rest of my life being miserable?
My children are mostly grown. Two are in college and one is almost finished with high school. So, basically I am about to be an empty nester anyway. And the relationship with my husband is nearly nonexistent. I am in my late forties, I keep myself fit, I am reasonably attractive, more so now I have to say because I believe in myself. I have never supported myself and I am sure it will be hard. But I love myself now and all I want in life is to be peaceful, a small apartment and a job. Of course, I want my children to be happy and successful and to love me and feel loved. But, I know now that I have to do what is best for me, not what everyone else wants. I will make it, and I will be there for my children and I will show them that although I left their father and our unhappy marriage, I did not leave them. And even though I said it a million times before, this time I mean it and I am going to do it! It’s my life!
