Ten Ways the Kardashians Will Monetize Kim’s Divorce

Well, I for one am simply shocked—shocked—that Kim Kardashian and her soon-to-be-ex-husband what’s-his-name are going their separate ways. I really thought that those two crazy kids who’d known each other for a few months before getting married in a giant mediagasm of publicity and white tulle were really going to last! If they can’t make it, who can?

Yes, the beautiful, bedazzled dream is over, and now it’s time for Kim to move on to the next phase of her life—exploiting her divorce for maximum profit and tabloid exposure. With the help of momager Kris Jenner, here are some exciting and lucrative projects we think the Kardashian Klan should consider.

•  “Cryin’ Into My Cristal,” a pop song full of pain, heartbreak, and 808s, recorded by Kim herself (or an auto-tune technician who will be credited as Kim). The lyrics will reference the pain of losing specific items from her lavish gift registry, which will give her many tax advantages for when she eventually returns them for cash.
• The “Kardashian-Klad Pre-Nup,” the debut offering from a line of Kardashian-branded legal forms that make complicated procedures like divorce, incorporation, or endorsement deals a snap to officialize. Only $399.95, with a $99.95 yearly service fee!
• Many, many InTouch Weekly exclusive interviews and photo spreads, with headlines such as, “Kim’s Secret Heartbreak,” “Kris’s Wild Nights of Partying,” and “My Post-Divorce Body is Better Than Ever!”
• Klass with the Kardashians, a book of new etiquette for modern times. The book will include a chapter with advice on how a future ex-spouse should learn that you’ve filed for divorce (experts recommend letting him find out via Twitter, assuming you can’t get his publicist on the line), whether it’s proper to wear white to third weddings, and whether it’s advisable for a bride to publicly apologize for swindling the press and populace of an entire nation into what was obviously a sham marriage from the beginning.
• Even more tabloid spreads speculating on the occupation or vacancy of sister Khloe’s uterus, culminating in an emotional interview in which Khloe divulges that her “baby bump” is in fact just the product of second helpings at Katsu-Ya.
• A divorce shower wherein dozens of C- and D-list celebrities are invited to come visit the family’s Calabasas compound and make Kim feel better by giving her gifts that will provide a temporary substitute for actual human emotion.
• A new capsule collection kapsule kollection at Dash, full of modest sweater sets and sensible flats, to be called Diva Divorcée.
• A new marriage advice book called, Don’t Dash to the Altar: Thoughts on Kommitment, Integrity, and Lasting Love, penned by sister Khloe and her husband Lamar Odom, who are in the family’s most stable romantic relationship, despite having married after knowing each other only a month.
• Kardashian Heirloom Diamond Rings, which will be created by splitting Kim’s 20-carat Lorraine Schwartz engagement ring into hundreds of smaller pieces. (Considering that Kim most likely got the ring for free to begin with, it’s not like she has to return it.)
• Momager Matchmaking, a dating service to be fully run and staffed by Kris Jenner, which will help everyday people find a soul mate they can spend the rest of their lives with. Or the next seventy-two days—whichever comes first.