Okay. I have to move on. I’m not sure if I really want to and if I don’t, I’m not sure what the reasons behind not wanting to are. I’m not sure if I’m still actually “in love” or if I’m just too afraid to admit that I have to pick up the pieces and move forward, alone. I think that for the past year I’ve been content knowing that there was always the possibility of everything working out—I haven’t tried to move on—and I always pictured him doing the same—not moving on, somehow still always being in love with me.
Until the day came in September when we actually had “the talk”—the one that involved him dating my bridesmaid—the one that left me sitting on our bed crying my eyes out about how I should have told him sooner how I really felt—the one that left me with the words that will stay with me forever, “I know that you loved me but I’m not sure that you ever really learned how.” The conversation that confirmed all of my biggest fears: I really am alone; we are never going to be together—in love—happy—married—again.
It’s been about six weeks since we had that conversation and I’ve stayed up nights thinking about it, I’ve laid in bed for hours pondering the future, I’ve cried, and I’ve felt the relief of finally knowing.
I’m not sure exactly how I feel or where to go from here. I’m not sure if jumping into the dating scene is right for me (or where I would ever find the time/energy to do it). I’m also not sure that I want to be the one sitting at home on Friday nights watching movies and eating cookies by myself.
In all of this, the only thing that I can really hope to find is myself and what truly makes me happy. I have to constantly remind myself that everything ends for a reason and although I cannot understand that reason and I’m not sure that I ever will fully understand it. I know that I can be happy on my own; I can become the person that I know I’m meant to be—without someone else.
I’m not sure if I’m happy right now or if I’m sad—but I know that I feel like something is finally being lifted. Maybe the beautiful thing here is actually being able to let it go.
