I have been through the longest and most difficult two years of my life. My husband had an affair two years ago and I vividly remember the phone call from his girlfriend that completely shred my life to pieces. It is amazing what can happen to one’s life in a matter of minutes. After much struggle and time with the Lord, I made the decision to try to keep our marriage together.
I read more books and had more counseling than I care to remember. My husband was remorseful in the beginning and claimed to be repenting, but that quickly faded within two months. When I did not show him enough ”forgiveness” when he wanted it on his time frame, then he changed his tune completely. We split again. My heart was ripped from my chest again, even though I knew deep down that he truly was not doing what he needed to do to make our marriage work.
He has come in and out of my life for the past two years. He has come to me sobbing and begging me to take him back and confessing all the things he believes he had done wrong. In the midst of these times, he also has had two other girlfriends. He admitted to having sex, and yet again I showed him mercy and took him back. Embraced him when I truly did not want to, not because I did not love him but because I knew it would never last. Yet, I did what I believed God would want me to do. Our divorce was even final when I took him back the last time, yet I know God’s way is to reconcile. Again, I was burned by him when he left again and turned into a cold man again.
His last girlfriend even works where I work, which makes life even worse. I took a leave of absence for a month due to depression and panic attacks. I just could not function. I am currently back to work but I dread each and every day that I go to work. My heart feels like it has been ripped from chest and stomped on to the point that I don’t know if I am capable of loving anyone ever again. This has drained me emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
At this time, I say enough is enough. I continue to struggle with asking myself if God is testing me to see if I am going to be faithful to his word, yet I am also pulled thinking that I have done all I can do. It is like I am in a pool of water and I have been just treading water for two years and getting nowhere. This is my second marriage and I feel that I wasted my second chance of life with him and I was totally betrayed. I am embarrassed and ashamed. This is the hardest thing for me to do. Walk away and give up. I feel like a quitter but I am tired of being treated like I am second rate and under par. It is demeaning and leaves me depressed and lonely. He strings me along with little things he says and does. It is destroying me and I wish God could just send me an email and tell me what to do. I have to give up and I have to move on. I know he is never going to be any different and he is always going to treat me just like he does now.
