Why is it so hard to let go of someone? I just can’t figure it out. He let me believe that what we were doing could lead to something more. He lied to me and I just can’t forget him. Maybe I don’t want to believe that I was wrong about him because then I have to doubt, once again, my ability to judge people. And, then again, maybe it’s me thinking that having someone in my life for whatever the reason is better than not having anyone in my life at all.
How did I get here? How did I get to the point in my life where thinking that it’s okay to have someone in my life, even if he only wants one thing and lies to me to keep it going, is anywhere near okay. I think I’ve always been in this place in my life. I don’t think enough of myself and believe in myself enough to make a guy work to be with me. I always accept what they have to offer because I don’t think that anything better will come along and that a little bit is good enough. But, it’s not! Somewhere along the way, I HAVE to start believing that I deserve more, that I am a person of worth and that a guy would be lucky to have me in his life. I have to STOP thinking that the “right now” will lead to something else and stop letting the “right now” lead me down the same path I seem to find every time.
Where do I begin? How do I take a lifetime of self-doubt and disgust with myself and turn it into something positive … something that will allow me to not get caught up in the flattery of words and find myself back in the same play with just a different player?
I know I’m rambling but I’ve just got all these thoughts running through my head because I can’t seem to let this one go. And I don’t know why. I am hoping that something will shine out of these random thoughts that will enable me to move on. But, so far, it hasn’t. I’ll keep trying, though, because I know I have to.
