I’m suddenly reminded of a quote from a book I read long ago. The book is titled Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil (you may remember the movie of the same name starring Kevin Spacey). “Truth, like art, is in the eye of the beholder. You believe what you want, and I’ll believe what I know.”
Perception is a funny thing; it causes people to construct their own personal truth. You see, the entire world perceived that I was one half of a perfect Generation Y relationship. Too many friends saw hopes in their own romantic future just by being around us. We were young, in love, had our own home, and over the course of three years, had built a solid life with a bright future. It was a comforting thought; giving my own cynical girlfriends a hope that decent men were out there, waiting to be discovered.
But when it all ended, not only did my world come crashing to a halt, but theirs as well. Those closest to me were confused, how, when everything was so perfect, did it come to an end? Suddenly I was cast into a negative light as a silly woman who was clearly out of her mind for leaving such a perfect man. My friends didn’t understand my reasons at all: he didn’t cheat, he never laid a hand on me, was never harsh ... we never even fought. They believed that I was making a mistake, because they clearly thought that the only reason a relationship should end was due to one of the horrible reasons mentioned earlier.
We certainly had a beautiful start to our relationship. We believed we were infallible—nothing would ever tear us apart and one day we would lead a fabulous life in a big city with a child and a dog, and everything would be perfect forever and ever and always. I believe with every ounce of my soul that it is this attitude that caused the deterioration of our relationship. You see, a relationship needs work because no one is perfect. You will make mistakes and you will hurt your partner, but if you are willing to invest in the relationship, you must be willing to accept the fact that you are human and you make mistakes, and your partner can help you grow to be a better person.
However, when you believe you have a superhero relationship, and nothing and nobody can touch you, everything changes. After two years together, I began to notice the holes developing in our bond. He was distant, moody, and unhappy with his life and the direction in which it was heading. He had lost his job due to the economy, and being the dutiful girlfriend I was, I picked up a second job to help make ends meet. We began making love less and less. My attempts to offer myself to him often turned into a painful rejection from a man who seemed to be very clearly uninterested in touching my body. Those nights were so long in which I cried softly into my pillow so I didn’t wake him and have to meet him eye to eye and explain why I hurt so bad. When we made love it seemed empty, as if we were going through the motions to ensure that we were not just roommates who shared a bed.
I tried desperately to confront him with the problems I knew were growing around us. After awhile, I decided that I couldn’t cry myself to sleep anymore. I was tired of feeling completely undesirable. I was tired of him locking himself away for hours in his office, and I was most certainly tired of waiting for him to wake up and see that even though he thought everything was fine, I was not. He had a difficult time seeing anyone else’s point of view, and he couldn’t understand what I felt, nor did he ever try.
And so our relationship died slowly and quietly ... after awhile I quit trying to give myself to him, and at the end, the thought of doing so made me feel sick to my stomach. I knew I wasn’t in love with him anymore. He didn’t want to see what I saw happening, and his selfishness was killing us. Finally, at the end, he admitted to me that he wasn’t physically attracted to me anymore (which I didn’t understand, because I had barely changed in 3 years), and that was it. The pain from that little phrase was excruciating. He may have never laid a hand on me, but I felt beaten by his words. I was defeated and deflated. I was out of energy. I just wanted out.
You see, I believe that not only does true love go deeper than the flesh, but when you truly love someone you are willing to do whatever it takes to make them happy. You notice when your partner is hurting, and you want to take care of them, even if it means you have to change something in yourself...that’s selflessness and that’s what it would have taken in order for him to help save our relationship. He chose “me” not “we” and although I’m young, I know that love is bigger than that.
You don’t have to suffer abuse, cheating, or lying to have a bad relationship ... all it takes is an arrogant belief that your love will last forever. Without the work, love is worth nothing.