I read an interesting piece recently, written by a fellow self-evaluating writer. In it she discussed a recent breakup, and the doubts and questions that yet another failed relationship brought her. Mainly she focused on her need (or lack there of) for this man. She didn’t need him enough. This conclusion brought with it a whole slew of other insights. Isn’t need a form of desperation, a sign of an incomplete being? We women today, do we need men?
I feel I have a lot to say on this subject, and have several years of experience battling this war. Having been raised my mother’s daughter, I was taught that to be a strong woman, an independent individual, meant that you were self-sufficient. You are the ruler of your domain, leaving little room for the need of a man’s company. Of course, men can be enjoyable, but they are not to be trusted. The progression of your life and your choices should be made based on what you want. This way of thinking was solidified by my first broken heart, followed by years of bad choices and even worse relationships.
As I clean up the mess that my twenties left behind, I am finding a certain light to the relationships that I form. I have begun to meet men that are good, clean, healthy, motivated, intelligent, and fun. The time I have spent with these men is refreshing, and they have opened my eyes again to the possibility of real love. Yet, each time the relationships have progressed, I keep hitting the same road block. I begin to evaluate the relationship, weigh the pros and cons, try to dig down to decide how I really feel about them... and what it comes down to: I don’t need them enough. By this I mean when I weigh the relationship and how it makes me feel versus the pain or fear that I have moving forward, I keep deciding that they are not worth it. It equals facing that which scares me.
To move forward in these relationships is to give a piece of myself that I have vehemently protected for some time now. My independence. It means compromising, it means trusting, it means not always putting yourself first. To allow another person in to your life, and progress to a point where your decisions include them; this is something that I am exceedingly afraid of.
I suppose what I mean to say is that it is hard for me to reconcile being an independent, self-sufficient woman with loving some one enough to make room for him in my life. Or perhaps, I just haven’t found that person who makes me need him enough. Either way, it is good to know that I am not alone in this dilemma.
