I was invincible. I was strong. I was superwoman.
I used to believe and trust completely. Through bits and bits of information from friends, I discovered facts and truths. “What you don’t know won’t hurt.” Infidelity haunts forever, not until the time you’re fully accepted who belongs to who and not until the time you’ve readily let go ... it will continuously wake you up in the middle of the night, telling you over and over, this is not right.
Sabi ko nga noon, Dun tayo sa tama. Isa lang ang Mali sa buhay ko, Ikaw yun ... And when I decided to love you despite all odds, I knew time will come it has to end. I alternated denial, anger, and self pity with confusion, often I was tempted to be hysterical but decided not to and realized that, “If a man can take off his wedding ring once, he can do it over and over again.” True, it was unexpected coming from a very good man like you. Karma struck me hard but I have so many lessons learned from the failed relationship I am still grateful I met you.
I prayed. Prayed so hard and I used to ask him for strength to hold on and fight, but instead, he gave me the courage to let you go. I wrote quotes, wrote blogs to channel my emotions. I was insane. Literally, for quite sometime, I forgot how strong and how invincible I was ... All I knew, at that moment, I’m vulnerable ... I’m a wreck, I look tough outside but I’m all broken up inside. I was at my weakest.
All my energies were wasted on disbelief, shock, panic and intense pain that makes it difficult to keep a cool head and fear that people were laughing behind my back. I waited for signs, I feigned strength and decided to fix and solve my problem alone. I knew what I have to do yet shame and pride stopped me from asking help. I thought I couldn’t make it. When desperation stepped in, I knew any moment, I’m in the brink of a major breakdown.
I spent more time for and with myself. Slowly, I was able to get out of the trap I’m into. I still slip once in a while, checked our pictures, read my blogs, read your blogs, check own memorabilia. Good thing is, I was able to stay rational and sane. I now know that I can’t change anyone else but myself. I’ve practiced letting go, trusting that someone will hold the reins for me.
It’s the thirtieth of December, sixty days passed and I’ve changed. Slowly changed. I managed to let go and move on and I realized my worth. I have to get up and stay up. Miraculously, I survived. And I am proud of myself as I handled the situation gracefully, objectively and calmly. I am older and better.
As I end 2009. I am leaving it with all your memories in it. I’ve deleted 1,597 messages from my Nokia 5130. I deleted 656 pictures from my Nokia 5130. I deleted 2814 messages from my N70
I deleted 340 pictures from my N70. I wanted you to be my friend still but after numerous attempts of at least trying to save the friendship, I decided not to pursue it anymore afterall, I’d still be the same Abby. With or without you.
Starting today, I don’t want to hear nor deal with anything that concerns you, I’m over and done with you. No more Ms. Nice Girl for me. Your memory haunts me like a nightmare, I still think about you from time to time … but I am just too strong and invincible for all that now and you ... and anyone related to you … IT’S NOT WORTH SUPERWOMAN’S TIME.
