Three years ago, I decided to go ahead and try to seriously date someone. It went well for a while, but then things got strange. Our insecurities led to our own sabotage of our relationship. As of the moment that I’m writing this, the relationship still exists, but I am watching it crumble around me. It saddens me as we truly mesh.
Either way, the reality is that this will soon be over. I will be very surprised if it turns out otherwise. So, in planning for my future, I’ve begun to weigh my options.
I am thirty-eight years old. I am also a single mother to a wonderful ten-year-old who is my reason for being. Even in the rough times, I know that she is my purpose. It’s a struggle trying to raise her. She was a preemie and is borderline autistic. She may have some other issues in the social and emotional areas, but we’ve learned to cope, she and I. She is highly intelligent and absolutely wonderful, but it breaks my heart to watch as she struggles to comprehend how to interact with nonfamily members around her. Her frustration level often reaches a boiling point and her temper flares. I’ve looked for methods to help her with this.
The latest of these is enrolling her in Tae Kwon Do. Those who have seen her temper, which is actually more like confusion as to how to handle a situation, question whether my enrolling her in martial arts is wise. They feel that I am training her to be a deadly weapon and, paired with the temper, dangerous. Instead, I am trying to instilll respect, responsibility, pride, confidence and learned tolerance of that which she cannot control. Either way, I love her, I need her and she is my everything. We have many problems, and I frankly don’t know if I am raising her right, but there is no one to help me, hold my hand and guide me. Her father is completely useless and still talks to her like she’s five. He doesn’t have the patience and understanding to help me raise her. Even worse, he doesn’t have the desire to learn. He loves her, but I think he views her as an inconvenience in his life.
I don’t have very many relatives left nearby. Everyone has moved to other states and generally don’t like visiting Indiana very often. They prefer to live their exotic lives. Some live in the lap of luxury and others have created a fantasy world in their new domains. Those of us who remain here in Indiana don’t rank very high on the scales of “people to visit.” Nearby, I have my cousin, my grandmother and my father. That’s it. There isn’t anyone else here. I went from Sunday dinners with twenty-plus family members to this. Cancer and heart disease ravaged our numbers. Even as I write this, I am painfully aware that my ninety-four-year-old grandmother lies in dire straights. Disease is not her enemy; time is her enemy. Her body has given out, but her spirit hasn’t. One wants to quit, the other refuses. She will not be with us much longer. My father struggles to care for her while trying to ignore the memories of my mother’s death eight years ago. I am watching his health deteriorate as he’s pushed to his limits.
My own health isn’t exactly stellar. At sixteen, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. I have suffered from grand mal seizures (the bad kind) for the past twenty-two years. My ex-husband used this as one of the many reasons he could no longer be part of our lives. When we tried to have children, we discovered there was a problem after an initial miscarriage. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Not only does this cause infertility issues, but it increases male hormones in the females body (yes, we have male hormones ... and guys? You have female hormones too). Additionally, PCOS can cause insulin resistance which leads to weight gain. There is very little that can be done about it and most women keep it reasonably in control. I am not huge, by a long shot, but I am very curvy and slightly heavy. Most recently, I injured my left knee during a seizure. It has not been right since and I am forbidden to do any form of effective exercise. Though I eat right, no exercise paired with PCOS is not a good thing.
