Three years ago, I decided to go ahead and try to seriously date someone. It went well for a while, but then things got strange. Our insecurities led to our own sabotage of our relationship. As of the moment that I’m writing this, the relationship still exists, but I am watching it crumble around me. It saddens me as we truly mesh.
Either way, the reality is that this will soon be over. I will be very surprised if it turns out otherwise. So, in planning for my future, I’ve begun to weigh my options.
I am thirty-eight years old. I am also a single mother to a wonderful ten-year-old who is my reason for being. Even in the rough times, I know that she is my purpose. It’s a struggle trying to raise her. She was a preemie and is borderline autistic. She may have some other issues in the social and emotional areas, but we’ve learned to cope, she and I. She is highly intelligent and absolutely wonderful, but it breaks my heart to watch as she struggles to comprehend how to interact with nonfamily members around her. Her frustration level often reaches a boiling point and her temper flares. I’ve looked for methods to help her with this.
The latest of these is enrolling her in Tae Kwon Do. Those who have seen her temper, which is actually more like confusion as to how to handle a situation, question whether my enrolling her in martial arts is wise. They feel that I am training her to be a deadly weapon and, paired with the temper, dangerous. Instead, I am trying to instilll respect, responsibility, pride, confidence and learned tolerance of that which she cannot control. Either way, I love her, I need her and she is my everything. We have many problems, and I frankly don’t know if I am raising her right, but there is no one to help me, hold my hand and guide me. Her father is completely useless and still talks to her like she’s five. He doesn’t have the patience and understanding to help me raise her. Even worse, he doesn’t have the desire to learn. He loves her, but I think he views her as an inconvenience in his life.
I don’t have very many relatives left nearby. Everyone has moved to other states and generally don’t like visiting Indiana very often. They prefer to live their exotic lives. Some live in the lap of luxury and others have created a fantasy world in their new domains. Those of us who remain here in Indiana don’t rank very high on the scales of “people to visit.” Nearby, I have my cousin, my grandmother and my father. That’s it. There isn’t anyone else here. I went from Sunday dinners with twenty-plus family members to this. Cancer and heart disease ravaged our numbers. Even as I write this, I am painfully aware that my ninety-four-year-old grandmother lies in dire straights. Disease is not her enemy; time is her enemy. Her body has given out, but her spirit hasn’t. One wants to quit, the other refuses. She will not be with us much longer. My father struggles to care for her while trying to ignore the memories of my mother’s death eight years ago. I am watching his health deteriorate as he’s pushed to his limits.
My own health isn’t exactly stellar. At sixteen, I was diagnosed with epilepsy. I have suffered from grand mal seizures (the bad kind) for the past twenty-two years. My ex-husband used this as one of the many reasons he could no longer be part of our lives. When we tried to have children, we discovered there was a problem after an initial miscarriage. I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Not only does this cause infertility issues, but it increases male hormones in the females body (yes, we have male hormones ... and guys? You have female hormones too). Additionally, PCOS can cause insulin resistance which leads to weight gain. There is very little that can be done about it and most women keep it reasonably in control. I am not huge, by a long shot, but I am very curvy and slightly heavy. Most recently, I injured my left knee during a seizure. It has not been right since and I am forbidden to do any form of effective exercise. Though I eat right, no exercise paired with PCOS is not a good thing.
I wish I could say the buck stopped there, but it doesn’t. Midlife, I changed careers from zookeeper to teacher. Within my second year of teaching (I was still married), my mother in law died of cancer. We were very close. Not even two months later, brain cancer claimed my mother. My employer did not believe this and I was forced to produce my mother’s death certificate as she had died only days before Christmas and the school wasn’t tolerating my absence. In short, they didn’t believe she had died. Three months after that, and while still at this school, my husband left us. I was devastated. I wasn’t making enough money, so I had to move in order to support my little one. Not long after this, I had a seizure at one of my schools. I was reprimanded for this and asked to leave. I sued, but lost based on a time issue. From that point forward, that principal has called all of my employers and told them of my condition. We can’t catch him doing it, but several employers told me they were “annoymously informed” about my condition and wished me to leave. Now, I sit here typing this completely out of work. I have a master’s in education, but no one will hire me. Partially because of my epilepsy and partially because I am expensive.
I have nothing to offer.
The one thing I had going for me, outside of what’s left of my family, was this relationship. When I sensed that things were getting shaky, I began to look at what my next steps might be. Here’s what I came up with.
Job:
No one will hire me. I can work as a substitute, but there is no health insurance. Without health insurance, I am in dire straights for the rest of my life. My medication alone costs nearly $1000/month. I have looked outside of education, but no one is interested. I either have too much experience or I am viewed as a teacher who wouldn’t have a clue how the “real” world works. My favorite line so far? “You have no experience in supervision.” Really? Two hundred kids a day? Are they kidding? I don’t know what I’ll do. If I don’t figure it out soon, I may lose my daughter to her uncaring father. I’d love to open a kennel and it would work, but with what collateral?
Health:
I can only take things as they come. I wait for my PT to clear me for exercise. I keep prodding my doctors to find specialists to help me. Treating me for anything along with the epilepsy is tricky business, but I’m not ready to give up.
Daughter:
Again, she is fantastic, but she is special. She needs my full attention and help. In a perfect world, I could be a stay-at-home mom and make sure she adapts to the world the best she possibly can. Sadly, it isn’t a perfect world. The best I can hope for is that there is progress and that she finds people who understand her and are patient with her.
Romance:
This, I’m writing off. It isn’t a pity party, it’s reality. No one wants a thirty-eight-year-old, heavyset (though curvy), epileptic with a daughter who needs special care. Toss in the fact that I’m unemployed and it just gets worse. I’m not just making this up. About four years ago, I was beginning to talk to this man. We connected on all levels. One day he called me, “Look, here’s the thing. I’m young and I want normal kids. With your epilepsy, you can’t give me normal kids.” One of the most hurtful things anyone has ever said to me. Yes, I knew I didn’t need him, but it wasn’t long until others started saying similar things. My shot at romance is very likely over. If I meet someone, I can safely say that I definitely won’t have seen him coming, because I didn’t expect him to ever arrive.
On the plus side, if I can find a job somewhere, then my daughter and I will at least be financially secure.
Then we can buy a puppy. Nothing quite like the unconditional love of a puppy.
As for the unconditional love of a man?
Can’t miss something you’ve never had. I long for it and desire it, but I don’t know what it’s like to be loved.
I hear it’s wonderful.