When we have lost a loved one, the holiday season can be a painful reminder of how terrible you are feeling instead of bringing warmth, love, and excitement. The holidays are especially significant because they are familiar signs of time. They seem to have a way of filling our memories with warm glimpses of good times shared with the people we love most. What happens then, when one of those people is gone?
The holidays still rush on; people all around are making their usual plans as if they didn’t notice your broken heart. They try to cheer you with their laughter, include you in holiday cheer, and it’s obvious that few can understand your numbing pain. There are no special privileges or special parking places for those crippled with pain. In watching the celebration of others, one feels even more isolated. On the other hand, we may also catch ourselves singing with a Christmas carol and than feel a sense of betrayal that we can actually be enjoying moments without our loved one. Grief is not rational.
Grieving over the loss of a loved one is a necessary and natural process. Time and balance are important components. The first few years are perhaps the most difficult, but even years later, the holidays may lack the meaning they once had for you. No two people grieve the same and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
Tradition plays a special role in celebrating Thanksgiving, Chanukah, Christmas, and New Years. When a loved one is missing during these celebrations it can force a change in all of these traditions. Traditional times you have shared underscore the significance of the loss … “Dad always hung Christmas lights while mom cooked Thanksgiving dinner.”
The full sense of loss of someone loved never occurs all at once. The onset of the holiday season often makes us realize how much our life has changed by the loss. Perhaps your major need is to acknowledge and work to survive the naturalness of the “holiday grief.” Many people I have had the privilege of working with, as well as my own experience, suggest that for some of us, the anticipation of the holiday is sometimes worse than the actual days itself.
