So your fiancé has broken up with you, left all your dreams in the dust, and you’re supposed to cope ... alone? You might be thinking the loss is too devastating, or perhaps you’re just embarrassed to face your friends and circle of people. I am happy that you have the opportunity to make a new life for yourself, and that you have been saved from a problematic relationship. My advice is a mix of self-help stuff and tactical steps, in sort of chronological order:
1. Accept the truth of the situation and prepare a public statement. You did not leave him, you did not have a mutual breakup (when does that ever happen, anyway). No, he left you. That does not make you less of an attractive person; on the contrary, it shows strength that you own up to the reality and can face up to your future. Also, don’t think for one moment that the decision to end an engagement is an easy one for your partner—as much as it may annoy you, try to show that the decision on his part was for the best. Try to think of a good one-liner that you can use to explain the situation, followed by a clarifying sentence, that if pressed for details makes it clear that you are clear and resolved to the matter.
“Mark decided to end our relationship; it ended up being good decision, because we weren’t moving in the same direction when it came to family plans.”
Clarification: “It all boiled down to having different life goals in the short term and long term, and there was no way around it. I still respect him deeply”.
This shows maturity, and can also be repackaged for use in a future relationship, when you are revealing your pasts. Never, ever believe that your common friends who believed in your relationship or his family that loved you so dearly and were so ready to grow their family will fix what’s wrong or make your ex come to his senses. It’s over, and that means a new life for you.
2. Decide not to feel sorry for yourself. It could be a lot worse. If you have trouble accepting that, watch Born into Brothels tonight. Do not progress unless you have committed to this point. If you don’t, you risk being a turnoff for friends and family. Think to yourself, “I am someone’s role model. How can I handle this well to give someone else hope?” For me, I thought of my sisters and my classmates, and decided never to feel sorry for myself.
3. Attitude of gratitude. Would you be where you are today if you hadn’t had an amazing journey with this person? Sure, you may have made sacrifices, such as: other men who loved you, the chance to be a young mother, lost opportunities in financial matters and career. But chances are that your experience together has left you a wiser and more mature person, which leads to …
4. Young at heart, sage in spirit. Don’t believe for a moment that you are “too old to ____.” Modern science means a lot of biological stuff is still possible, and anything else is in your head. And don’t put up with your best guy friend calling you a cougar or even a puma, or you’ll be doing the breaking up with him! But try to take the learning from point 2. What did you learn about yourself and your needs? What are your new deal-breakers? I learned that I need someone who has a very strong relationship with his family—I need that structure and support for when I have children someday. I also learned that IQ is not a be-all and end-all. I feel much better prepared for the next relationship: I have faced my own mistakes and my fear of arguing. My fear of communicating what I don’t like. I won’t repeat that mistake twice. Instead, my new relationship will be fun and communicative and honest.
