My life has become habitual. I get up, work out, shower, and go to work. I come home in the evening, watch TV, and go to bed. Next day, repeat.
Why do I feel everyone has an exciting fun-filled life, but me? Why is it I can’t find that certain someone that makes me smile? Why do I always chose the one person that is obviously wrong for me and that I know will bring me eventual heartache?
I never intended my life to be self-destructive. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t say, “Let me meet someone today that will bring me grief.” I wake up happy; I am happy . . . except when it comes to my relationships. I feel I will never meet someone that will love and honor me in the way that I deserve.
Maybe I am destined to be alone. Maybe the walls I have built around myself are too thick for anyone to break through. Maybe I have a contented soul and I don’t even realize it. I think I must accept my situation for what it is. Maybe my fate is to be alone. If I honestly ask myself, “Am I happy?” I think I can answer, with all sincerity, “Yes, I am.” I love my life. I love my house, my son, my car, my cats, my clothes, my family, my friends. I love my job. I love taking long walks alone. I love making plans for trips with people that make me smile. I love not having to answer to anyone. I love being free.
But I do miss something. Something is definitely missing.
I miss a soft touch. I miss the whispered voice in my ear of love. I miss the phone calls just asking how I am. I miss the texts saying “I miss you.” I miss the compliments. I miss the hugs. I miss the kisses and the caresses and the obvious want that a person would have for me and only me. I miss the companionship and ease of a long-term relationship. When you don’t have to question if a person is right for you, you just know. When you don’t have to wonder if a person is going to be home, he just is. When you know the plans you make will be just fine with your partner because you know each other that well. I miss that.
I miss the second part of me. The part of me that’s gone and leaves in me a void, a void that hurts; an emptiness that will never be filled in the same way again. The emptiness will eventually heal and become bearable, but it will leave a scar, a reminder of what was; a reminder of what never will be again.
But I will add to myself again. I will grow in other ways. The healing will come, but it will not be to forget . . . it will be to learn from. I don’t want that part of me back. I was ready to let it go and I have. That part of me has scarred me, but in a good way. I have no regrets. I have no “what-ifs” . . . I am thankful for what we had. It was a beautiful time, but a time which has run its course. It is time for me to move on; to start over; to create new memories and new times. It’s time for me to meet someone new.
