Finding “Happiness” isn’t that hard to find, is it? It’s about two in the morning when these questions linger on my mind. I keep on telling myself I am happy, but why isn’t my heart going with it? Odd, right?
I was in class when a close friend of mine sent me a message saying, “I’m bored.” I went out from class and met up with her and my other friends. I really enjoyed that day when we hung out. We even tagged that day an EPIC. Days after, another friend of mine came back from a five -day vacation trip to Singapore. I planned to have dinner with my pals. The dinner went very well. Seeing my friends, I can really say, “What on earth will I do without them?” We shared a couple of laughs and fun EPIC stories, it was indeed blissful evening.
One day after another, I keep on searching for that particular thing that could place even a slight glee in my heart. I go out with a best bud, but sometimes when we are together, a guy friend of ours tags along. Speaking of that guy friend, he has feelings for my best bud and likewise. Honestly, I enjoy their company. With them, I was able to vent out my feelings. But, I don’t know why I have this weird feeling whenever I am with them. Envy, it is. As I look at my buddy, quite happy with that guy friend, a tinge of jealousy hovers me. It is not because that I am in like with that guy friend, but I was so envious of them being happy with each other. Every time I am with them, I tried to mask that gloomy feeling of mine and instead put a big smile on my face.
Both of them usually ask me how my heart is. I usually tell them, “I’m good and doing perfectly great,” but deep inside, “Wow! I am a big fat liar!” Can I please stop lying to myself and try to be honest for once? But it was quite hard to tell the truth. I really don’t want to tell my friends that I am not happy. Indeed, I am aware that sadness is like a virus; it can easily spread and can affect those people who I am with. I don’t want either of my friends be affected by this so-called virus of mine. So the best resort that I did was making a façade of happiness. Yes, I am happy for them; however, I can’t seem to find happiness for myself. Confused, I am. Odd, I am. Weird, I am.
As the days passed by, I tried to content myself with the fact that I AM happy, but on the other hand, there is this part of me saying that I am not. Thoughts linger again on my mind. I called up a very close friend of mine and told her exactly what I feel. She told me “You can find it in your heart.” Simple words, yet so deep, so meaningful. I shed off my tears on the phone telling her that for the past few days I was despondent, dejected, gloomy, and unhappy all along.
