I often wonder how I got here. I know it’s by a series of choices made knowingly and unknowingly. We all learn through living and making mistakes and I am certain I have made my share. I am also certain I am not living the life I thought I would be at this point in my life. I can’t go back and change things because there are some good things that came about but I keep wondering does the good outweigh the bad?
I made the choice to marry at 18. I thought I was in love and for the most part I was. I thought he was in love but I learned as early as the honeymoon that maybe he wasn’t. But being young and naive, I ignored what my gut was telling me. I stayed with him. I thought once we were married that he would pay a lot more attention to me. But I found out pretty quick that was not to be the case. Six months after being married I became pregnant. I really don’t know what I thought at the time but we were both excited.
I was scared. I didn’t have much experience with babies and he was great with our daughter after she was born. He loves babies and little ones. He doesn’t however like the responsibilities that come with them. The longer we were married, the more his selfishness came out or maybe I just noticed it more. I had no choice but to work because he made it obvious that he expected me to work and help pay the bills. I really never minded working.
I like the thoughts of being able to take care of myself. I have always been pretty independent so I am not sure how I got to the point of thinking I wasn’t worth very much without my husband in my life. But life goes on and seven years later we had a son, mainly because he convinced me to get pregnant again. I look back now and I do believe it was his way of controlling me. I think he was worried that I had become too independent and that was his way of roping me back in. I couldn’t see what was happening to me at the time but I see it now as I unfold past memories and events and discussions.
I can even remember his mistreatment of me while I was pregnant with our son, the son he wanted more than anything. I look back now and see what I didn’t see then. As soon as the kids got a little older he paid them less attention and me as well. He became more and more self centered and selfish. He was mean and hateful to me 80% of the time so when he was nice I guess I really grabbed on. He neglected and abused me emotionally and verbally but I had gotten so used to it that I didn’t realize what was happening.
I didn’t do anything right or good enough. He never liked my hair or my clothes. I cannot remember one time that he ever even made an effort to tell me or show me that I was special to him. I just kept hanging on to the hope that my love for him would be enough. I tried so hard to be a good wife. I always tried to make him feel special to me. I guess though, after years of being ignored and never doing anything right, I created my own little happy world.
The reality of a husband that ignores and neglects and talks down to you gets pretty harsh. On top of that I had to work full time, make sure all of our bills got paid on time, and I did all of the housework and most of the child-rearing. The only things he did was cut the grass in the summer time and occasionally cook dinner. I couldn’t try to have a conversation with him because he would turn everything around and accuse me of complaining. So, I stopped talking to him. I was almost scared to talk to him most of the time. Usually I would “escape” to my bathtub and then into “my other world,” the only place I felt I had any control.
