Okay, call me a romantic but ... I can’t help it.
It’s the place that I go to when I close my eyes at night; the hand that takes mine and the places that we walk to. It’s the way he smiles at me that makes it hard for me to catch my breath. It’s knowing that he’ll never break my heart and that he’ll never let me go. I believe that when you find someone that is worth keeping that you’ll never let them go because you will realize that life wouldn’t ever be as good if they weren’t part of it. It’s knowing that it would be impossible to ever feel the way that you feel with them; with someone else. It would be impossible to go to sleep next to or wake up next to someone else without seeing their face.
That’s how I know that we weren’t meant to be. That’s how I’m able to move on … it’s knowing that he was able to move on, that he is able to look at her the same way that he looked at me, that “forever” really didn’t mean forever, and at first it hurt, but now it doesn’t because I’ve always believed in forever … maybe he just wasn’t “my” forever.
Realizing that hearts break and tears are so real, that waking up and not being able to breathe and crying so hard that I think I’m about to die—that’s part of the process, that’s one step closer to being healed. I’ve learned that replacement isn’t the answer; I’ve learned that settling isn’t an option and that I deserve to be happy. There are entire days when he doesn’t even come close to my mind, when I’m not angry at her. There are days when I understand and when I accept our differences. But then, there are the days when I want to try, when I think that begging might work, when I believe that if he ever really loved me he wouldn’t be able to stop—I believe that you can’t love someone that much and just stop—so maybe he didn’t ever love me at all.
Those are my thoughts.
But, today I’m thinking a little bit differently. I’m thinking that love is real, that hearts can revive themselves that I’ll find my forever—that I am my forever. I guess it’s knowing that he’s out there, maybe he is looking for me too or maybe he isn’t quite ready. However, I do know that I’m going to find him. That we’ll find each other. I’ve learned enough to know what I’m not looking for and I’ve seen enough to know what I am looking for, I’ve felt enough to know that I want to feel again.
So, I sort of know where I want to start …
I’m simple. I don’t care if my socks match or if my hair looks perfect. I always feel prettier if I’m wearing lip-gloss. Holding hands melts my heart. I love to listen to music, especially in the car, loud, I know almost every song, it doesn’t matter which channel that I’m listening to, but I can never tell you who is singing. I’m not a huge fan of television and you will never in a million years catch me watching MTV or any type of reality television—I hate them. All. In the rare instance that you catch me watching anything it’s probably A&E, Gray’s, House, or LMN. I love Beauty and the Beast. I’m sort of a huge fan of Lilo and Stitch, so when Lily wants to watch something … I usually talk her into that. I adore animals, I pretend like I don’t like cats but really, I do. I love puppies but I hate anything yippy (sorry Ang!). Typically, I only buy something if it’s on sale. Name brands mean absolutely nothing to me. I’m a fan of Target, Wal-mart, anywhere. I don’t care if you spent forty dollars on that shirt, okay? I come across as snobby because I’m quiet, but I’m not. I’m shy and I’m happy. I love my life, I love my house, and I love my family. I’ve come a long way and I’m different then most people. I don’t care about money and I don’t care about “stuff”. I’d rather be debt free then drive a nice car. I’d rather shop at the good-will then Abercrombie. I smell good, always. I love shoes. I’m a mess. I can’t cook, well, I can make some pretty serious mac and cheese and I know how to order pizza. I wish that I were thinner but I love food too much to care; I can eat a great chicken cheese steak or a half of pizza with no problem, and I’m okay with that. I’m a hypochondriac, if I get a headache I usually assume that I have brain cancer, I can’t help it. It happens. I’m terrible with directions, I get lost about 90 percent of the time that I’m in the car, but I don’t mind, I like the adventure.
