Have you ever been in a relationship that made up such a huge part of your life that when it ended you were lost? It’s probably the most painful and difficult thing I’ve ever been through. And that’s saying a lot. I’ve lost family members to cancer—the difference being I knew it was coming and was able to make peace with it even though it was sad and hard. Personal relationships, romantic “think this is the one for forever and ever” relationships that end rip your heart out without the consolation of knowing the other person is in a better place or that it was something that couldn’t have been prevented.
You would have thought I would have learned. It was just the same story; next chapter as far as that relationship went. Girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, boy breaks girl’s heart for some lame excuse, girl forgives boy, girl gives boy another chance, boy breaks girl’s heart—repeat that four or five times over three years and you’ll get the picture. Despite my head telling me I was an idiot to keep forgiving and giving new chances my heart won every time. My heart was convinced that since he was such a close friend and that since he cared about me so much and since he hated that he hurt me that “this time” it would be different. “This time” he won’t hurt me again. So my heart won out each time and each time my head seemed to retreat into a quiet place warning me I’d regret it. Head 5, Heart 0. You’d think I’d learn. Hopefully this time I have.
In the meantime, I’m back where I started. No longer a young twenty-four with so much time ahead to find “the one” and start a family. Now I’m looking at twenty-eight (not that twenty-eight is that old but in my head, ever since I was a child, I was married and starting a family by thirty and that doesn’t seem a very realistic dream anymore) and wishing I had a way to rewind and stop myself from ever getting involved with that guy. Or else to fast forward through this pain and loneliness to part where I start getting back on with my life. My heart and soul feel shredded. Thinking about him leaves me in tears and I wish and pray for the day when I’ll feel indifferent over him and this situation. Hoping that that time will come soon and dreading the fact that the healing process takes time. And, despite people saying time heals everything, right now time feels like the enemy as each day crawls by and each night looms over me filled with memories while I stare at the ceiling and haunted by dreams when sleep does arrive.
I love him so much that I wish we had never met.
