I thought I knew it all. I thought I had my act together. I thought that I would be different from all the other women there were out there. Oh, how I scoffed at all the books, TV shows, radio ads, and church preachings about adultery and indecency in marriages. My heart told me otherwise. “I will be different,” my irrational mind said. “I won’t be like his wife.” Oh, how I secretly envisioned the perfect relationship complete with a white picket fence, two-car garage and a dog named Benjy. As if the perfect relationship could be ordered from the Home Shopping Network! “Yes, I’ll take the he’s-not-my-husband-but-I-want-him special. No, I’ll pass on the one-day-this-will-come-back-to-haunt-me guilt protection. And yes, please place it as a rush order. I’ve got a divorce coming up."
Why is it that as a woman we can be so strong and supportive in the face of life’s most difficult challenges, but, throw a man into the picture and you’re brought to your knees? Where does our logical thinking mind go when a man stares deep into the depths of your soul and simply says “Hi?” Do the butterflies in your stomach somehow float into your heart and give it the false impression of love? What is it that compels us to forsake ourselves, our heart, our very soul just for the satisfaction of a man? A woman can be all things in this world. I’ve seen women work three jobs, raise five kids, be present at all her kids after school activities, and still be sane enough to hold an intelligent conversation with another individual that doesn’t involve supermarket coupons or potty training techniques. I’ve seen women overcome all forms of abuse, both mental and physical, and come out stronger and better in the end. I’ve seen women endure and persevere and bond together for the betterment of herself and her family. I’ve seen all these qualities amongst women and yet I still ask myself how I, as a woman, fell so apart so fast and became so broken from one single man.
My story begins three years ago when I was still married to a good man. I had the typical suburban marriage. House in the suburbs, daily commute to and from work, kids in school with appropriate extracurricular activities, the weekend to unwind, monthly trips to grandma’s house, yearly vacation trips to the beach, and dreams of retiring in the future. My marriage was typical. Conversations to the spouse about the stresses of work, occasional sex during the week, and random bouts of arguments thrown in for good measure. Yes, mine was the simple life. I’m not quite sure when the boredom came into play. I got the itch for something more when I woke up one day and really thought about my simple life. “Do I really want to live like this for the rest of my life? What if there’s someone better out there for me? What if?” The problem with questions is that we can’t just ask them without expecting an answer. And the answer always comes. It’s never quite the answer you expect, but it’s always an answer. My answer came in the form of a tall and handsome blue-eyed man we’ll name “Mr. Conservative.” Mr. Conservative was THE answer to all my asked questions. He was eye candy to my sugar free lifestyle. He was polite, respectful, handsome, romantic, funny, and very much married. However, that was okay because so was I. Who needs the single lover when you can have the married lover? This way you don’t feel as guilty because, hey, you’re not the only one cheating, right?
“If he’s just as unhappy as I am then it can’t possibly be all that wrong,” my twisted mind said. “Besides it’s okay because we’re both married so we know not to get too involved.” Mr. Conservative was just so because he kept our relationship at an oh-so respectful distance from his marriage and mine. No meeting up at bars. No drunken late night phone calls. None of that I-hate-my-wife/husband nonsense. It was a business transaction amongst two willing individuals who wanted sex and friendship. It was the perfect illicit affair. All the fun without the calories. The problem with eating whatever you want is that even though the label says “zero calories” chances are it’s really not good for you. Eventually your body rebels. Eventually your mind speaks louder than your heart. Eventually karma catches up with you.
“I’m leaving my wife,” Mr. Conservative said. “Excuse me ... what did you say?” I asked as my heart dropped into the bottom of my chest. Mr. Conservative proceeded to tell me how his fifteen years of marriage had come to a head and he wanted out. Of course, his decision was in no way directly related to our two years of weekly sexual encounters and polite conversations. And of course, he was not asking me to divorce my husband either. That was completely my choice. The soul-shattering moment in my life came months later when my soon-to-be ex husband looked at me with red rimmed eyes and said “One day he’ll leave you.”
All the books in the world couldn’t prepare me for what my life would become after the jump into the abyss.
