Well it has been eight months since I packed up and left him, moved to a new city in a different state. I finally got the divorce decree last week in the mail. I read it over and over hoping to feel some emotion that I thought would just appear out of thin air because of the finality. I expected to feel, I really don’t know what I expected to feel. But I actually didn’t feel anything different other than the range of emotions that have been coming and going since I found out he had cheated again.
It was the second time during our marriage that he had sex with one night stand. I think maybe it would have helped if I had felt relief that the end had come. But it was not to be, the sadness, the pain, sometimes elation were the same emotions that I can’t seem to escape. Starting over has been much more difficult than I had hoped. I feel as though I am on a merry go round and I am becoming dizzy from the ride. I feel like my life is spinning out of control. I want to get off, but each day is the same. The emotional roller coater is preventing me from making progress toward putting my life back together. Although I try not to focus on the past, it is always there to remind me of what once was. I want to move forward but can not seem to break the cycle of my emotional prison.
Yes, I have been speaking with my therapist but it doesn’t seem to really ease the pain, at least not permanently. We were together for fifteen years and married over twelve of those years. I miss my old life and while I know that it is gone, how much longer before I can really say good by to it? What am I doing wrong? Is it that I just need to give myself more time to adjust to all the new changes in my life? Or am I not wanting to get over the pity party? Can someone tell me how they went about putting their life back together. How long did it take to come out of the cloud filled days?
