The simple things in life. The struggle with bills seems never ending. I am still borrowing from Peter to pay Paul. I always figured if I made this much money I could get things paid off. Not if your lifestyle exceeds your income as mine seems too. With helping the kids with cell phones and car insurance to having a really nice house, we are still struggling. I am somewhat more content. I have learned that life is a tradeoff of sorts.
I used to naively think people who weren’t dirt poor had it easier as long as they were not self-destructive. Being a little above middle class has its own pitfalls. Most of life’s pitfalls for me are my own mind getting in my way. I have a man who cares deeply but I am still insecure because of ghosts of my past. I have a job that pays well but I still expect them to let me go because of the economy or job performance even though I am being told I am top talent. I have kids that are doing great but I wonder about my parenting ability or lack thereof.
I have always been a paradox. A bundle of insecurities overlaying enough sheer will for two people. I’m a very quick study on math and book sense combined with unique typical blond habits. I never can find my car easily whenever I park anywhere and I get lost at the drop of a hat. Life the past six years has been one change after another; I feel a great need to tell the world my story so maybe one person would listen and one family be saved. But the other part of me doesn’t want to open that can of worms. I still feel some shame I let things go as a far as they did. It doesn’t reflect well on me. I tried going to every authority (talking to judges, law enforcement, mental health people, his family physician) and none of them took action. I wanted him saved and well. But that was not my decision to make. It was his. My oldest says I have attachment issues when it comes to solving problems, I can’t let go. That trait works well for me at work because if it is doable, I will figure out how, no matter how complicated. Hopefully, I have learned people have to solve themselves. I want to come across as intelligent and I want it to count.
