One of your very first tasks in life was to recognize the concept of “me” and separate from your primary caregiver to become your own individual. Throughout life, you’ve been faced with situations that both challenge and encourage your individuality. Part of being in a romantic relationship (especially long-term, live-in, or a marriage) is navigating the tricky balancing act of maintaining a sense of “me” while building a sense of “we.”
It’s great that in the “we” you acquire a friend and partner, someone to laugh and cry with, a person whose strengths match your needs and vice versa. The “we” becomes complicated, though, when over time, almost without realizing it, you give up more and more of your individuality as you fuse with your significant other. Some sacrifices are gradual: He begins to hike less because she doesn’t enjoy hiking and he’d rather spend a Saturday with her than by himself. Others are obvious: She gives up her dream of living in New York City because he prefers small towns.
Often, after a relationship breakup or divorce, the sacrifices you made in the name of “we-ness” glare at you from across the room as you wonder: Why did I become a vegan? Why did I stop spending time with my friends? Why did I put up with this or that? Why did I agree to the orange wallpaper? You’re left wondering who you were in the relationship and who you are on your own.
A relationship breakup or divorce is obviously hard, and how hard depends on your unique situation. But it can also be an incredible opportunity to rediscover and reclaim yourself. Embrace your own personal freedom, and strive to reconnect with what you love to do, think, feel, and be.
As an exercise, sit down and make a list of things you feel you lost or disconnected with during your relationship. Think about your social life, professional life, personal goals, hobbies, spirituality, and anything else you feel defines you in some way. Start to bring these things back into your life in order to rebuild a core sense of who you are and what you want to bring to your next relationship.
While sacrifices are a necessary part of any relationship, people seem to be happier in relationships when they are able to maintain what they feel is a healthy sense of individuality. At some point, you’ll be dating again and facing the inevitable we/me balancing act, but you’ll do it better because you’ve given yourself time to evaluate what you need to hold onto to maintain a healthy sense of “me.”
BounceBack helps people recover from heartbreak, whether from divorce or relationship breakup. It’s a place to tell your story, read expert advice, and get emotional support from our community as you go through the Four Phases of Bouncing Back. Heartbreaks happen to everyone, but we believe everyone has the potential and the right to bounce back and move forward to a life full of strength, confidence, and happiness.
Mary Darling Montero is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) therapist in private practice in Santa Monica, CA. She has ten years of experience providing counseling and therapy to children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families. Her specialties include life transitions, relationships, trauma, depression, and anxiety. She is certified to practice EMDR for trauma resolution.
By Mary Darling Montero for BounceBack