I met a man nearly two years after my divorce. He was tall, dark, handsome, and extremely funny. His distaste for alcohol was a turn on after being married to an alcoholic, and he was an honest man with high integrity; traits I’d never seen before in a man before. Assisting a stranded person with car trouble on the side of the road was what he lived for. He was kind, and had a passion for helping people. When I met him, I thought I had found the man of my dreams—dependable, high integrity, sober, kind, athletic and good-looking.
As the relationship progressed, his deep dark controlling behavior appeared. It began subtly. If I were fifteen minutes late from a hike, he would be worried. If I walked too close to his male friends in public, I was pulled aside and scolded. If I didn’t help him with his male chore (like moving a truck, raking leaves, pulling a rope through a tube), the way he expected it to be done, I was reprimanded. The expectations to be the perfect girlfriend and be at his beck and call were enormous. I found myself always trying to do the right thing for fear of being critiqued; cook the perfect meal, look fabulous, wash the dishes, do his laundry, and help him in anyway I could. We spent three to four nights a week eating dinner with his mother; a true mama’s boy in all sense of the word and I felt my personal life disappearing. I didn’t drink alcohol, even though occasionally I craved a shot of tequila from the stress of it all. He didn’t like drunken women, so I obliged and didn’t drink. I tried my best to live up to his expectations of his perfect woman and in turn, gave up my sense of self. His words were kind, loving, and harsh. When he belittled me, I felt like crawling up in a ball and rolling away. I felt unsafe and the guns in his closet frightened me. At night, I’d awake with a stomach ache and wonder if I had become Julie Roberts in Sleeping with the Enemy and fallen into a controlling relationship. I justified his behavior and convinced myself it was a minor insecurity and that he could change.
As months passed, I stayed in the relationship and finally found the courage to confront him and his controlling behavior knowing fair well that it stemmed from an insecurity from his past relationship. My instinct told me that he had a fear of being abandoned, because his wife/high school sweetheart had left him. I tried to explain that when we live in fear, our fears are manifested, but if we live in love, then we will attract love into our life. We spoke about it calmly and he told me he wanted to change. It had been a problem in past relationships and he even let me read a letter a past girlfriend had written to him which confirmed all my thoughts.
He asked me to bring awareness to the situation, when I felt degraded, and so I did. But when the mean comments flew out of his mouth, I noticed his eyes would change and the light disappeared. If I confronted him when it was happening, he would be visibly angry. I realized that when the light switch went off, there was no self-awareness and it was evident that there would NEVER be any self awareness. There was no hope in coaching this middle aged man through his fears and insecurities because he couldn’t see his behavior.
So I reflected upon myself and my own insecurities. Why did I bring this person into my life? Was I that desperate to find love and happiness? More importantly, was I happy and was I living my authentic life? The answer was clear … NO!
So after eleven months of the relationship (yes, I stayed too long), I said goodbye, “you’re not the right relationship for me,” and I escaped, Julie Roberts style (sort of, without pretending to be dead and changing my identity). I moved all my belongings out of the house and into a storage unit, and threw my clothes and cat into the car. It was a drastic goodbye, but I’m grateful to have my life back, my self-esteem back, and I’m grateful I had the courage to get out of a relationship that wasn’t right for me and my personality. Finding the courage and making the decision is the hardest part, but I’ve learned it is important to do what feels right in your heart and everything else in your life will follow.
By Kat Holland for thebreakupguide.com
