“I wish that I could have this moment for life” is a line from a popular rap song. It certainly is a dream to able to sustain a happy and successful moment throughout our life. On the flip side, we rush through the not-so-happy moments as quickly as possible. Yet, rushing through those unhappy moments may actually contribute to them lasting longer than we desire. Such is the case after the end of a romantic relationship. As we review the moments, we’ll get to see the importance of each one.
The “It Is What It Is” Moment
Regardless of what society, family, or friends say, after a breakup is not the time to be hardcore and pretend that we don’t feel hurt. “My heart is broken.” “I am brokenhearted.” “I have a broken heart.” However we say it, we must acknowledge it. This is not about going down the list of what the other person did to us. This is about honoring our feelings and expressing them. Sing it, write it, choreograph it, paint it. Just get the expression of the hurt out. Taking our time here is a must, as self-delusion, suppression, and repression will not help us move beyond this moment.
The “Understanding and Clarity” Moment
We may feel so overwhelmed emotionally that we don’t know whether we are coming in for a crash landing or going out over a jagged edge. This moment is not about deciphering the other person, but about understanding oneself. This is the moment in which we decode the “hurt mush.” Hurt is general. What is the hurt that we feel? Do we feel angry? If so, why? Do we feel rejected, deceived, abused, unappreciated? How so?
In this moment, we need to reach out to someone who cares about our well-being and talk about what happened. We may even want a professional to help us sort things out. Being in this moment will take time and won’t be easy. It will require courage and a strong desire to feel better. Rushing through this moment will keep us stuck here for a very long time.
The “Take Responsibility” Moment
Did you come home one day and find all the furniture gone? Did you get a “let’s just be friends” text message? Did someone not return your phone call? Ever? With these and other scenarios, it’s easy to say or think, “How dare they?” In our place of hurt and humiliation, anger has good company. However, to truly move on, there must be a time when we look at the relationship as a whole and see clearly the part we played. Although people say it often, the fact is that we cannot make anyone do anything. So we did not make someone leave us. However, our behavior may have played a role in their decision.
When we take responsibility for self, we actually regain the control that we don’t think we possess. Now, we can gradually regroup by deciding on a positive course of action. Now, we can better determine who and how we want to be and move forward. This is also the moment where we learn to forgive (self and others) and become at peace with the past.
The “What Now?” Moment
For some who are use to having a well-outlined game plan, this moment can be very uncomfortable. We have sorted through our feelings, we have made peace with the past and now reality sinks in. We are single. Now what? First thing that we may do in this moment is pursue a new relationship. Sometimes this works and sometimes it is not the best course of action.
Instead of straining our heart before it’s strong enough, this is usually a great time to start something new for self. We can begin dance lessons, join or start a club or group, become a mentor, learn a new language or be involved with a community service activity. This will give us a renewed individual identity and is great to boost self-confidence. Our goal is to be around others who have a zest for their life right where it is right now, and move the renewed person we are forward.
This is also the moment where we can freely toss away the expectations that people (including self) may have placed upon us that we should act our age, that we should be married with kids, that we should not be single. This moment can very fulfilling and a lot of fun.
