In my eight-teen years I have endured what few will go through in a life time. I refuse to lie to you and claim to be perfect. I have always had a guilty conscience. So even when I think about doing what I know isn’t right, I go to war with myself. About five months ago the man that I know I was supposed to spend the rest of my life with left me. It’s funny because every since the first day we called ourselves being a couple, god has showed and told me that he is MINE. Of course in every relationship their will be problems. For the most part we were really cool. Nobody can tell me that he did not love me. I love him with more than my heart; it’s a love that comes from an unknown place. Maybe...it’s my soul. This man is two months older than me and he has lived a life of pain. I know it was God who sent me to him. All of a sudden I just started staring at him everyday in our chemistry class. People treated him really bad. I didn’t feel sorry for him though. I felt like I could do something about it so I didn’t have time to pity him. So I went to God and he led me to write him a letter, he wrote back and the relationship started off. I was in for it. I knew his past before he even told me. I mean he has been mistreated by everyone in his life, parents included. So I told myself, that no matter what—I would fight for him and never turn my back on him.
When I was comfortable enough, I shared my thoughts of suicide with him, and everything else I had been through. A strong confident look marked my face when I revealed this to him. However, I was screaming and crying on the inside. He must have heard or felt it because he grabbed me and hugged me like never before. I felt a tingling sensation, I was overwhelmed. I’ll never forget a couple of days later I had gone to pick him up from work. As we were exiting the loop he said, “Let me ask you a question.” I said, “ok”. He continued, “When we’re together, do you ever feel something that kind of feels like electricity? I know it sounds crazy, but I feel it. It’s like when I’m around you make everything okay and I don’t have any problems.” I didn’t know what to say so I just looked at him. He went on to say, “Well since you looked at me like that…I guess it’s just me.” I did feel it, but I wasn’t sure what it was.
Due to some problems with his parents, well his mama and her husband, he had to move in with her sister. I shouldn’t have to explain it, because y’all know how that goes sometimes. The first two months he was staying with his sister and her boy-friend we were just as in love as we wanted to be. All of a sudden things took a turn. He asked me “Why I was always cool with him, and never came at him with any beef.” That right there let me know that he wasn’t sure how to accept a girl like me. A girl that he claims to make his heart beat and that would for sure be his wife. I was the girl he couldn’t believe actually existed.
Picture this: I’m eighteen, I’m blessed because my daddy will do whatever for me so money wasn’t really an object. He had it all; he didn’t even have to ask most of the time. I cooked for him, washed his clothes, supported him, and believed in him. I did whatever I could to make him happy. It was so good to the point where I gave him my virginity, something I didn’t plan to do until I was married, and even though everyone (his family, his friends, some of my friends) tried to make me leave him, I refused. They swore he was not good for me and everyday somebody would say, “You can do so much better. But it felt like a marriage once upon a time. Back to the question—I didn’t know what to say so I just continued to play my position.
