My partner and I are embarking on another round to therapy to see if our marriage is salvageable or if it has run its natural course and it’s time for it to end gracefully. While my job is to help other people figure that out, either individually or as a couple, it’s inappropriate for me to act as a coach for my own relationship. I’ve used my skills for my own part of it and have become quite clear, and it’s time to bring in an impartial third party.
It got me thinking about marriage counselors, relationship coaches and therapists. There are many talented people out there doing relationship work, but there are also many ineffective ones. I think an ineffective coach or therapist can do more harm than good, and I’ve identified a few things to look for.
1. Is the therapist pro-marriage or marriage-neutral? There’s a saying, “when you go through life as a hammer, everything looks like a nail.” Relationships offer a rich and varied way for people to learn their life lessons. It’s important to understand the dynamics at work in your relationship so you can learn the lessons and shift your beliefs and behaviors. Otherwise, you just get to repeat the same problems with a different person. However, there are times when a marriage has run its course; the couple has received what they came into the relationship for, and it can end gracefully.
2. Does s/he focus on the dysfunction of one or both of you? In any argument, there are two sides to every story. Often one member will be presenting the “problem,” but the other partner always has their own version of it as well. If the therapist focuses on trying to “fix” one partner, find another one fast, unless he has made it clear that you’ll be taking turns in the hot seat.
3. How do they handle sexual dysfunction? The prevailing wisdom that many marriage therapists share is, in my opinion, detrimental to real growth and healing. They focus on getting in touch with yourself and focusing on your own sensations. This can further alienate couples instead of bringing them closer. If you need to focus on yourself to figure out what feels good, do it by yourself. Or, do it to yourself with your partner watching so they can learn too. But if you really want intimacy, you have to connect to each other with your eyes, your hearts and your minds. True intimacy is built up in a myriad of ways, with intercourse being the last act on a long list of ways to connect.
4. Are you and your partner committed to being open, honest and transparent? If you’re not, you’re just wasting your time. A professional, no matter how gifted and talented they are, can’t truly help if you’re hiding things from them. It’s scary to commit to being that open and vulnerable, but it’s impossible to engage in a conscious relationship if you’re hiding behind your emotional fortress.
