Many women venture into infertility treatments hoping for a pregnancy within a year. But, many women find they may strive for years and spend thousands upon thousands of dollars (see: “Funding the Babychase: How to Pay for Infertility Treatments”), only to have to resign themselves to exploring adoption. This means, for many couples, four or more years may go by before they are parents since the adoption process can take a long time as well. (See “This Baby’s Mommy”).
E. M. Mee is a woman who now refers to herself as a certified expert in infertility treatments. She is quickly becoming an expert in navigating the paperwork and application process when trying to adopt a child from China as well. Since E.M. has been through years of infertility treatments, she kindly agreed to share what she has learned to help others who are beginning their own journey.
Laura: How long have you been going through infertility treatments?
E.M.: We started about three and a half years ago. In the world of infertility, three years is hardly a long time. I was thirty-three when we started, so everyone was very optimistic. I had a laparoscopy very early, after only a few months of trying. My husband is older and we didn’t want to waste any time. The lap confirmed that I had stage-four endometriosis. The reproductive endocrinologist (RE) explained that I probably wouldn’t get pregnant without IVF (in vitro fertilization), but he recommended a few IUIs (intrauterine inseminations) since my insurance covered IUI. My husband was skeptical and thought we needed a second opinion. I had a short-term job in California, so we went to an RE there, thinking it would be easier to get an honest opinion from someone who wouldn’t actually be treating us. She was a lovely woman who confirmed the first RE’s opinion and suggested skipping the IUIs altogether. I’m grateful we took her advice. We went straight to IVF. Two failed complete cycles. Two no-start cycles because of ovarian cysts. (For a thorough explanation of IUI and IVF see: “Fertility Treatments, Demystified”)
After the second no-start, I decided to take a break. We interviewed a natural cycle RE and did all the prep work. We’ll do some more cycles starting in April or May. I also went to a reproductive immunologist. If there was a test available, we signed up for it.
Laura: Would you advise others not to share these experiences with family and friends, who may want to talk about it with you later when you’d rather not?
E.M.: I think it’s very difficult to go through this process alone. It’s tempting to just tell everyone what’s going on—especially when you’re in the middle of an IVF cycle which is full of ups and downs. Suddenly you want to tell everyone everything. “My estrogen is over 600... I have seventeen eggs! I have no embryos...” etcetera, etcetera. From experience, I think it’s better to keep things close to the chest. You’re on drugs, you’re emotional, you’re in a state of expectation and anxiety, and you don’t want to have to manage other people’s expectations too. So you might want to keep the details of an IVF cycle quiet. If you get pregnant, you’ll have good news. If you don’t, you’ll be able to bear it alone.
When the second cycle failed, I was so upset I had my husband call everyone we had told. He even called my Mom. I just couldn’t bear it. He did an extraordinary job. But I’m not sure every partner would want the assignment.
Honestly, I think it’s good to tell only those who have been through it or who are very, very close to you. It’s better to rely on support groups, internet chat groups, etc… It can be tough to get overly involved with internet or support groups because inevitably some people will get pregnant and some will not. Typically, the pregnant people are in a state of high anxiety—worrying about maintaining the pregnancy—and it can get hard to continue to be supportive when your own cycle has failed. This said, if you trust a friend (or potentially two friends), you can tell them what kind of questions you can handle and how much you want them to be involved.
