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Why Kids? The Great Debate

By: Aidan Donnelley Rowley (View Profile)

Part of me is thankful that no one has asked me why I have made the decisions I have made because, well, I have no idea what I would say. I would stumble and bumble. If I were being honest, I would probably mutter something along the lines of: “Well, I have done these things because these are prudent things, these are things people do. I have done these things because I wanted to. Wait, yeah, I think I wanted these things because these are things people want, right?” Sad. Circular. Utterly unoriginal. Hardly compelling.

Part of me is angry that no one ever asked. School. Career. Marriage. Parenthood. These are big things. Huge. Emotionally and financially taxing. These are major existential steps along the way. And because I chose to navigate a more “mainstream” path, no one took me by the shoulders and asked that all-important question: Why? Why do you want these things? Do you want these things?

So now I will. I will pick one relevant topic: Kids. I will ask this question of myself. Why did I want to have kids? To heed parental or societal expectations? To be less lonely? To continue a legacy? To fulfill a perceived biological destiny? To find meaning? To be a kid again? To escape a high-wattage career? To settle down? Because kids are so deliciously cute? (They are.)

Why did I want to have kids? And why do I want more? (Two, Husband.)

And now I will sit here and sweat and scramble for the answers I don’t have. Ones I’ve never needed to have.

And while I mull this over, I will ask you this same question and I apologize if it makes you uncomfortable. Like it or not, this blog is not a saccharine space where you are invited to roll around in baby pictures and cutesy stories. In this space, you are not meant to feel safe. No. Here, in this virtual classroom, my job is to shake you up, to make you think, to make you doubt what you think you know. To call on you when you’re least prepared. Here, I am going to ask questions. Hard ones. Of me. And of you.

And if you are brave, you will answer these questions. Or at least try to.

If you are a parent, why did you choose to have kids? If you would like kids someday, why?

And now, again, I will publish this. And wait. For you to say something. Anything. And while I wait for your words, I will think about this question, this important question that’s too rarely uttered, and when the time is right, I will try to answer it too.

First published November 2009

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Comments

Yep--if you choose not to have kids then you're going get questions about it. And they keep coming. People feel the need to understand why you don't want kids. Great blog about this type of thing here: www.babyoffboard.com

KIds are true blessing from GOD. Without them life is not complete,.

(2) There have been so many answers, but I think all of them have been good. I've never thought I wanted a baby to not be alone, to punish someone for my misery (like some people seem to do), or just because it's a woman's job. But later, I didn't want just a baby of my own. I wanted a baby that I could raise with the man a loved. I have a couple now. He talks about having children with me, but I'm not sure WHY he wants a child. He has a daughter, but I don't know if he just misses her (because his girl lives in another city) or he actually wants to raise a family with me. Now I still love babies and kids. But I'm not so sure I want to have my own. I see the world now and I don't see any improvement in society and the environment. I see more poverty, corruption, pollution and so many awful things that I wouldn't want my children to see. I still believe there is hope for the world. I want to help but I wouldn't want a child to go through all this mess and end-up loosing his/her faith

Why?.. that's a good question. I'm not a mother, but I've taken care of baby cousins since I was a teenager. I love kids and I want some of my own. But I think I've had different answers to the same question through all these years. When I was in college I wanted to have a baby right after my graduation. "Why?" I wanted to be a young mother, that was my first answer. Over the years I kept thinking I wanted a baby, but I didn't feel sure about my financial situation. So I waited. I didn't have a couple, but that wasn't a problem. First I thought I could take a donor, but later in my life I wanted to have a baby from someone I loved, but it didn't matter if he was my husband. I just wanted a baby. "Why?" again ? I felt I needed a little piece of me to nurture and raise, and give the education I didn't have (more eco-friendly, to put a label on it)... (continue)

I have just completed another (unsuccessful) round of IVF. It failed 2 days ago, so I find myself crying uncontrollably at different points during the day. I cry for my loss (the embryo was so cute); I cry for the child that embryo could have become; I cry because I know I would be a good mother; because I have so much to teach a small person; and yes, because I want to be visited later in life; I want to feel rejuvenated when my children have children; I want to see a likeness of myself and my husband in another; I want to see the fusion of our love. It's a difficult world, and I believe that having children should have some thought put into it. The sad truth is that so very often that does not happen - how often do I see women in the street screaming at their kids as if it's the child's fault that they can no longer cope with the additional responsibility and financial burden a child brings? No space left, I'll have to continue this in an article..