Strange but True: Bizarre Baby Products (Part 1)

Mamas tend to have a knack for going overboard when shopping for their precious angels. Where does a new mom draw the line?

From designer button-crotch jeans to thousand dollar mommy-bags, there is a universe of product companies anticipating the birth of your newborn. Some of these products are just plain strange, and some are strange and dumb. After rummaging the Internet and the baby boutiques of San Francisco, I compiled a list of the top ten most bizarre baby products.

Baby Bottom Fan
Upon wiping the meadow muffin off of your beloved’s hiney, why not give her the cleansing pleasure of a Baby Bottom Fan? This eerily phallic-shaped mechanism boasts the ability to dry excess moisture off of your baby’s behind and prevent various skin ailments. We were disturbed by the “built-in anti-microbial fragrance dispenser” as it is not recommended to use more than the mildest of soap on an infant.
New Idea Technology Corporation

Baby Toupee
The one time in life when it is cute and loveable to be as shiny on top as Daddy Warbucks has disappeared. With fashionable hairdos such as the ‘Lil Kim, the Donald, the Bob, and the Samuel L., your tyke will most certainly be the most stylish babe on the block. Although the exact purpose of the baby toupee is still up for debate, there is no question your child will stand out.
Small Human LLC.

Baby Cage
My aunt prefers her German Shepherds to newborns. Luckily, with this new baby cage, her doggie comparison is more accurate then ever. The baby cage is a metal confinement similar to the home of a pet hamster, mouse, rat, or any basic creature of the gerbil family. The great news is that this company offers sweet accessories for your beloved’s cage such as cedar chips for cage lining, a baby blanket held together with silver duct tape, a bottle that is shoved through the metal prongs of the cage with a stainless steel sipping nozzle, and feeder that looks like Fido’s bowl.
BabyCage.net, Inc.

Prenatal Education System
The BabyPlus Prenatal Education System is a package of sound lessons that are played to your womb, allegedly enhancing your fetus’s brainpower. The mama is supposed to prance around with a sound playing fanny pack stretched to her tummy. This supposedly makes your baby easier to breast feed, more relaxed, highly interactive, and an all around better person for the rest of his life.
The BabyPlus Company, Inc.

iBaby Stroller
Apparently, some babies like music to follow them wherever they go. The iBaby stroller has an iPod dock and adapter with speakers imbedded in the lining to funnel your baby’s favorite songs into her ears as she naps, strolls, and drools. I was not aware that babies could decipher Abba from Ozzy Osbourne. I understand wanting to keep your child entertained, but an iPod? For a baby? This product begs the question, where do we draw the line? Kolcraft

Billy Bob Pacifiers
If the general public has to watch your gummy-mouthed baby suck on something, why not make it something worth looking at? Billy Bob pacifiers are realistic interpretations of rotting, brown, and yellowing teeth. This company has various toothy looks for your baby, including over-grown, sallow, off-white, khaki, or greenish teeth. Special holiday edition pacifiers with devils, jack o’ lanterns, Elvis lips, and American flags are also available. These would be especially useful in grossing out and scaring away older siblings as well as fending off competitive and bragging moms at playgroup.
Billy-Bob Teeth