If I had known how much more immensely interesting I would become by gaining fifteen pounds and running around in clothes covered in vomit, I would have taken up binge drinking years ago. After years of living a fairly solitary life unfettered by in-laws, long distant realities, and advice giving strangers, having a baby has turned me one very popular zombie-lady.
Never in my life have so many people displayed such a passionate interest in my day-to-day routine. How much sleep am I getting? Am I breastfeeding? How old is my daughter? Doesn’t my baby need a sweater in this weather? Am I sure the baby isn’t overheating in her sweater?
It is not just requests for information, there are also the endless stream of well wishers who want to hold the baby, and talk to the baby, and try to make her laugh. People I don’t know have begun introducing themselves as “Grandpa Joe” and “Nanny Suze,” and while the stranger sponsored belly rubs have stopped, the new mom diet patrol has picked up the slack. I’m often approached by other WWC’s (women with children), asking me how much I gained, how much I’ve lost, and how I’m planning to deal with the rest.
It is driving me crazy. Seriously, if one more person asks me if my nipples ever chapped I’m going to move to Alaska and become one of those crazy crab fishermen I saw on Deadliest Catch. On those boats men are men and no one cares about your feelings on organic baby food.
I thought I had built a bubble; one similar to those lovely little pink ones that Glinda the Good Witch travels around in, except mine was more practical and came with a car seat. My husband and I have been on a team of two for so long it feels strange when other people want to sign up and sit on our bench. When I we found out that I was expecting, I imagined what our family would be like after the baby was born. I didn’t see a herd of people gathered around a dinner table or the emotional coming home to a house full of family. It is not that these things disgust me or I find something intrinsically wrong with these scenarios, we’ve just never had that kind of relationship with either set of our parents. But everything changed when we announced the pregnancy.
