It’s crucial that we, as parents, allow our children to make mistakes and fail and figure out how to recover from them. We can’t rush in and fix every problem, whether it be forgotten homework, an awkward social encounter, or not getting a part in the school play.
We know from research that building children’s self-esteem and self-worth is much less about praise and gold stars and trophies for everyone and much more about creating resilience. Children, who know how to screw up and fail, try again.
“While we do not want our children to face ongoing failure, to attempt to overprotect them and rush in whenever we fear they might fail at a task robs them of an important lesson, namely that mistakes are experiences from which to learn,” writes Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein in their book Nurturing Resilience in Our Children. “It also communicates another subtle or perhaps not-so-subtle message to a child: We don’t think you are strong enough to deal with obstacles and mistakes.”
It’s not that resilient children don’t feel bad about their mistakes and failures, but they don’t see themselves as failures. Too often children who think that messing up means they’re losers quit tasks, blame others, and deny responsibility.
But, as we know, nothing in parenting is black and white. It’s fine to theoretically say that all children must make mistakes and fail, but when it’s our children, all that great insight can go out the window. Or as my sister said when her nine-year-old was having a particularly tough baseball season, “I just don’t want to be there when he strikes out.”
What parent hasn’t felt he or she would do anything to stop the tears? Or even worse, knowing there’s something we can do and chose not to because our son or daughter has to learn a lesson.
So here are some thoughts that I keep in mind during the treacherous journey of parenthood:
There are no absolutes. We shouldn’t always rescue our children from their mistakes, but that doesn’t mean we never should. Author Barbara Coloroso helpfully divides parents into brick-wall parent, jellyfish parent, and backbone parent.
The brick-wall parent rigidly adheres to views of when to help. Never deliver the forgotten band instrument or science report. The jellyfish parent scurries over to school, French horn in hand, as soon as the call comes. The backbone parent takes the situation into consideration. Is the child constantly forgetting? Then she needs to learn Mom or Dad isn’t always there as a back-up. But if it’s an occasional thing, then why not bring over the lunch left on the kitchen table? After all we all forget things sometimes.
