It’s the worst feeling in the world. Your child has developed a friendship that’s not in his best interests. Sometimes your child becomes fascinated by the class “bad boy” (I’m using the male gender, as I have two sons). Other times, it’s not that your kid is good and the other is bad; it’s just that sometimes children don’t mix well. It’s like a bad cocktail. The ingredients work well in other drinks, just not together. This situation is especially awkward if you happen to be friends with the parents.
Here’s the opposite scenario: you like your child’s friend just fine, but not the parents. I’ve faced situations where the parents are rude, exhibit questionable behavior, and/or are too permissive. In some cases, I’ve even felt my kids were in harm’s way.
So what’s the best way to deal with these situations? You don’t want to offend another parent, and you don’t want to end on a note that leaves an awkward feeling, as you’re sure to run into them again. But you must step out of your comfort zone and do what’s best for your child. I have handled this situation three distinct ways, each with different results.
Direct Confrontation/Clean Break
My son developed a friendship in fourth grade with another neighborhood boy who happened to also be a classmate. This kid, as everyone knew, was the “bad boy” i.e. he was frequently disruptive and sent to principal’s office. The parents seemed nice enough, but both had big, full-time jobs and one got the impression that the kids were often left to their own devices.
That spring, the friendship moved to a new level when the boy happened to be on my son’s little league team. After every weekend practice, my son would want to go to this child’s house or have him come to our house. I was wary of this child and wasn’t crazy about having him over, but they begged and I caved.
On the child’s first visit to our home, he and my son went into his older brother’s room and emptied out all his drawers and placed all the clothes and other things in between his bedding, under the bed and in the closet. It was a terrible mess that took a long time to clean up. On the child’s second visit here, I found him in the backyard showing my son how to remove a beer cap with butter knife.
I called the mother and told her that this would be the last play date between our boys. I told her it just wasn’t a productive combination. Since my son had never done anything like this before, I could only conclude that this child was not a good influence on him and perhaps vice versa! The mother acted surprise that her son would misbehave and began making excuses but I held my ground.
In all honestly, it was a really uncomfortable conversation and we’ve had numerous awkward moments in the ensuing years. But it was the right decision. The boy’s behavioral issues from what I hear have apparently continued
Avoid Confrontation/Phase Out Gradually
I’ve always had a soft spot for single mothers. I was raised by one and I know how tough is to raise a family alone while working full-time. So, when my son befriended a child with a single mother, even though she was s little “rough around the edges” and had a reputation of being downright nasty at school, I was happy to help out. “Johnny needs a ride home? No worries. Johnny forgot to bring cupcakes to the class party? I’ll dash out and get some. Johnny needs to be picked up for play date at his apartment in Pacoima? I’ll do it.” The friendship went on for a couple of years like that.
It wasn’t easy. The woman seemed to have a different boyfriend every time I saw her and she always had a cigarette in her hand. Those were some of the reasons I insisted all the play dates be at our home. She was offended and told me so several times.
