I recall telling at least one of my friends that “I’m not above bribery” when it comes to getting my children to behave. I recall chuckling as I said this; my oldest was three years, and I was exhausted after enduring a full eighteen months of tantrums. Perhaps you’ve tried one of the following lines to inspire your cherubs to act properly: “If you’re a good boy on the plane, Mommy will buy you a Thomas the Tank Engine toy when we land.” Or: “If you behave in the grocery store and don’t yell or have a fit, Mommy will buy you a donut.”
Sound familiar? Bribery may have temporary results, but experts say it doesn’t create long-term behavioral change. If you really want to stop certain behaviors or inspire better choices, bribery—and even the infamous star chart—isn’t the way to go, according to Alan E. Kazdin, PhD, head of the renowned Yale Parenting Center and author of The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.
“Bribery just doesn’t work. And star charts and rewards don’t work. Children don’t need them at all. Star charts are actually much better suited for the parents—to help them [change their behavior with their children],” said Dr. Kazdin when I interviewed him.
I had always thought star charts and rewards were a great strategy for positive reinforcement, as opposed to parents’ constantly punishing kids and pointing out their negative behaviors. When I discussed this concern with Dr. Kazdin, he agreed that when parents punish their kids constantly and devote more attention to negative behavior, while offering little praise for good behavior, they send the wrong message. But with that said, he strongly emphasized that his thirty years of working with thousands of families around the world have proven that bribery isn’t half as effective as structured praise. “Structured praise is better,” he explained, “but often parents just don’t know how to do it. They need practice, and there are even games they can do that I’ve outlined in my book.”
The most important tip Kazdin offers is to begin praising good behaviors effectively by following these guidelines:
Praise effusively. Don’t just say, “Good job” when your child eats his greens—exclaim, “That’s great!”
Specify exactly what the child did: “I’m so happy that you ate your broccoli!”
Touch the child: give her a high-five, a pat on the back, or a hug.
Do not “caboose.” Caboosing is when a parent, after praising a child, then adds a negative or comparing comment. For example, after praising your child for eating veggies, don’t then say, “Why don’t you do this every night?” or, “Your sister eats her veggies every night, and look how healthy she is!”
Many parents say that when a child does something good unexpectedly, they often pounce on the moment and praise their child (as shown above). But to change ingrained, negative behaviors that have created power struggles in your house—such as getting a child to do his homework, practice piano, or go to bed on time—Kazdin has outlined these tips that require parents to also look at themselves:
Be specific about the behaviors you want. Explain to yourself first, and then to your child, exactly what you want to see. Saying, “Be a good boy” or, “Play nice” is too vague. Instead, a better example would be: “When the adults are eating, please play quietly, keeping your voices down.” Or: “At 5 p.m., please begin your homework.” Then, when your child follows those instructions, praise that behavior specifically and enthusiastically (the younger the child, the more enthusiastic you should be): “You played quietly and played in the other room while the adults finished dinner, and you used your inside voice—that’s wonderful!”
Identify a small number of behaviors. Start with no more than two or three behaviors you want to develop in your child. You will be able to replace them later with new behaviors, once those first few are established.
