Kathy Nickerson, Ph.D., is a licensed clinical psychologist with a private practice in Newport Beach, California specializing teen issues. I recently asked her how parents can talk to teens about tough issues or just build stronger communication.
Kathy’s strategies differ depending on the situation. When you just want to keep the lines of communication open and get more than “Nothing,” in response to “Hi, honey, what’s new?” she recommends playing with your teen instead of trying to have “A Conversation” (ba-BOOM!). “It seems silly,” she says, “but they open up more when they’re distracted. Kids are smart! You can offer to have important conversations, but they may not want to say anything that can or will be used against them.” She suggests playing Scrabble or cards, relaxing, and engaging in conversation in a roundabout way. “Follow their lead,” she suggests. Most of the time, the teen will open up on their own about thirty minutes into the game.
But there are tougher conversations you’ll have with your teen than “What’d you learn at school today?” If you need to tackle one of the tougher issues, pick a calm time and a location your teen is comfortable in, and use a casual tone. You can bring up the problem directly, or use Kathy’s favorite opener: the Ask-the-Teen Strategy. “It’s a little ‘creative,’” she says, laughing, “but you can ask the teen’s advice for a similar problem in grown-up terms, and the strategy she gives you will probably work on her.” A good example is, “I’ve been thinking about this problem and wonder if you could help. I’ve got a co-worker who has been drinking and I’m worried he might get addicted to alcohol. What can I do to help him?” Sit back and really listen to your teen’s suggestion, because it will probably be effective on her.
What if the teen doesn’t respond? Kathy immediately answers, “If you’ve had one conversation, that’s probably not enough.” Try changing the location and practicing good listening skills, but if after five or six tries—or if the situation is too dangerous to risk a delay—you’ll have to take the upper hand. “There are infinite people who can be your kids’ friends, but only the parents can be the parents. I see a lot of problems when there’s a lack of role clarity.” She explains that when parents are submissive to their kids and want to be their kids’ friends, the kids will walk all over them and also become frustrated. If a teen sees his parents trying to be his friends, he may think they’re not interested in providing for him, protecting him, or caring for him. If this is the case, the teen figures, “Well, I guess I’d better try to be the adult and protect myself.” Once this belief has set in, the teen doesn’t respect his parents and tries to take care of things himself.
Below are Kathy’s suggestions for dealing with two tough scenarios.
Q: My daughter is involved with a boy I can’t tolerate. He won’t look me in the eye and he’s surly and quiet. Since she’s been dating him, she’s started acting the same way and I’m afraid they could be using drugs together. How can I talk to her about her relationship and drugs? I want to make sure she’s okay.
A: “Based on that, I’d be worried. It’s totally okay to be honest if you talk carefully. It’s very important for girls’ self-esteem to have a male figure validating them . . . My experience has been that if you tell kids they absolutely, positively can’t see the person, the girl will tell her boyfriend and the boyfriend will say negative things against the family.” Don’t go in for the kill; instead, talk with your daughter about abusive dating patterns. Start with passive education unless it’s a dangerous situation. Help her to make her own healthy choices and be a safe person for her to be around. Last, Kathy says there are great education programs around that your teen—or both of you—can benefit from, such as a class on healthy dating relationships.
