Empty? My children have yet to reach their teen years, so being an “empty nester” is a distant dream for me. I would never want to wish my children’s lives away, but the thought of having an empty house is sometimes very appealing to me as my mornings, evenings, and weekends are filled with rushing, carpooling, homework, sports, music lessons, etc. …you get the picture. What would life be like when all of this is over and the “nest” I have worked so diligently to build all these years is suddenly “empty?” Hmmm … I began my exploration by talking to women about what happens when their fledgling babies grow up and fly away. To my surprise, all five women I spoke with weren’t devastated when their children left. Recognizing this transition as a natural part of parenting and having a positive attitude can make all the difference. In fact, some women embrace this time as a chance to explore life-long dreams and career aspirations.
One of the first things I discovered is that the change is not as sudden as I would have expected. During the high school years, most teens become more active at school and with their friends, so their growing independence takes place over time. And during the first years of college, many times students come back for weekends and breaks, so this provides a time of adjustment for the child as well as for the parent.
While most women admitted feeling a mixture of loss and freedom when their children moved out, the majority tended to view it as a positive part of their life. They said they liked having more freedom and time to “do their own thing” once their children left home.
Patsy Pietraszewski, a mother of three who lives in Lawrenceville, Georgia, puts it this way: “I feel that the most important job of parents is to prepare their children for coping in the real world. Leaving home doesn’t mean leaving my heart; rather it is a rite of passage that our children can be proud of. It means they are ready to stand on their own two feet.”
The truth of parenting is that every day from the conception of your child, your child is growing and developing in order to be separate from you. And even as early as their first bites of food or first steps, your main job as a parent is to help ensure your children will make it on their own. Of course, they will always be your children, but as they grow up and take steps towards independence, you can develop a more adult relationship with them.
As could be expected, most felt less anxious when children move a short distance away. But when children move farther away, moms can feel more anxious about the separation. June Carringer, a mother of two living in Canton, Georgia says, “For some reason it was harder when my daughter left. She was going to an out-of-state college, so I’m sure that was part of it.”Another mom, whose son recently moved to Colorado, also felt differently about his leaving than when her daughter left for a college that was a few hours away.
So what advice can these mothers give to others who are going through this? First, let your child’s departure be filled with optimism. “What helped me through was trying to have a positive attitude,” says one mother. You can let your children know you will miss them, but express confidence in their ability to do well on their own, she explains.
All women encourage staying in touch with children once they leave, but not to call too often. June says, “I kept in close contact with them without too much intrusion into their new-found freedom.”
Communicating with your child about this change is important as well. Patsy shares a conversation she had with her daughter: “My daughter and I were just talking about this the other day. ... I know I will miss our time together more than my sons, simply because she is a woman and as such, there are things that I can talk to her about that I would not necessarily share with my sons. But as I said to her, I can always call.”
