During a phone consultation Sharon, mom of a junior in college, told me she is torturing herself because she feels so needy. She wants her son to call when he gets there. She wants him to send her emails about how his day is going. She wants to know what he is doing for the weekend.
No, she isn’t crazy. She is unrealistic. She is a mom in the role of being a mom. She is learning how to let go of a role that she loved for eighteen years.
Sharon simply needed a reminder that her son left home to stand tall on his own, and that her new job is to stand tall with herself and her life, little steps at a time. Cry when you feel the sadness. Be kind to yourself. Take a chance.
Catching yourself in your old role is a good thing. Saying sorry is powerful. Counting to five before you call your child or email is an easy pause button. Better to give yourself advice rather than giving it to your child unless they ask for it. Focus on your new life and let them build theirs.
I know none of this is new information; we just need to remind each other. We love our role as parents and want to stay connected. We love our kids. But love means we need to look in the mirror and ask what we need to make ourselves happy without being in their life. Let them fly with all the weather systems and seasons. They can do it.
Sharon laughed when she realized she had unrealistic expectations and had kept focusing on that because she couldn’t see anything out her window that would make her happy. If we keep looking out the window to see what’s happening, we miss what is happening inside ourselves. We miss this moment. We put life on hold because we are waiting for “the big thing” to fulfill us beyond parenting.
Life is good simply having coffee, connecting with people, eating a healthy meal, stepping outside for a walk, seeing beauty, reading the paper, and being able to make choices in the free time you finally have. It isn’t always easy and we need each other to travel through this empty nest.
Related Story: Bye, Bye, Baby
