When life isn’t going our way or we are sitting in sadness, we don’t easily let others know. Empty nesters don’t like letting others know they are down or disappointed, that they can’t see over the mountain, and feel lethargic or lost.
Parents are role models. Our whole life might seem to have been about our children. We haven’t practiced taking care of our needs. Yes, we work, we have partners, friends, hobbies, but we are the caretakers.
Cathy, a proud mother of three, wife, daughter, friend, and career-woman, talked about struggling with not feeling motivated, attractive, or joyous. Her three children are out of the house and the space has brought her to a place of reflection.
At times, she wishes she were super busy so she wouldn’t have to notice these other parts of herself, but what she understood was her true desire to ask for help by revealing her feelings to those she trusts.
Cathy’s new practice is to say to herself, “This is how I am thinking and feeling right now and I am still ok. I am calling (insert loved one here) today for support. I don’t have to jump to fix myself, or deny I am lonely and tired of making everything happen. I just want some tender care.” There is no judgment. It is simply how you are feeling in this moment.
She did tell her husband what she needed, and she had lunch with a friend letting her know ahead of time that she wanted to vent and might even cry. Saying it ahead of time while she was feeling safe on the telephone helped her start releasing .
Barbara wanted to find a creative passion but didn’t want people to know she couldn’t figure it out herself. She practiced getting quiet with eyes closed, breathing and asking her inner selves, “What would enliven me?” What enlivens us also helps us be creative. Our inner critic tells us that it won’t work, that it isn’t a good idea, or that it takes too much effort to make it happen. Change happens step-by-step; and yes, you can change your mind along the way.
Penny wanted to explore traveling alone. She couldn’t understand how she could be a full-grown adult and still have fears and feel lonely. In October, she is heading two thousand miles from home to see fall foliage for a week … yes, by herself. We laughed when she said she got so tired of complaining about sitting in her empty nest that it was absolutely time for her to leap out of her comfort zone.
Karen wanted support to get moving in the morning. She decided to ask a friend who lived miles away to email her every morning with an uplifting cheer. That worked. Her friend was so happy to have a way to help her during this transition. Because she dared to ask for the help she needed, Karen now power-walks before work each morning. I loved i Karen’s revelation that she cheats by getting her clothes ready the night before while she is in a more energetic mode. Not cheating. Wise.
I have been fortunate to support empty-nesters and those on their way to being empty-nesters for five years through good and bad times. No one needs to go through it alone.
My daughter graduated college in May. She has been home for the summer, which is a story I’ll save for later. I am helping my nephew and his dad pack for freshman year, 3000 miles from home. They don’t really need help, but everyone can use time to be heard and encouraged.
September marks new beginnings for children, whether they are being dropped-off at kindergarten or sent to college. Who can you email or call to help you with your new beginnings?
“When the pond is still the reflection is clear. When the mind is still the reflection of life is clear. Reflection brings clarity” - Unknown
