Time to let go … your child is going away to college.
Every August thousands of men and woman across the country experience a unique form of heartache…it’s the bittersweet act of sending a child off to college. I was inspired to write this article after having conversations with several friends who will be facing the powerful pangs of separation together with other parents as millions of freshman head off to college this fall. “Empty Nest Syndrome” is the name given to a psychological condition that can affect parents around the time that one or more of their children leave home.
It has become a phrase for encapsulating the feelings of sadness and loss that parents experience when their child no longer lives with them or needs day to day care. The friends and clients I have spoken with want their children to have the best possible college experience and are genuinely happy for their child, but letting go is not easy and is not always appreciated when others tell you, in an effort to be encouraging and upbeat: “Think of all the time you will have for yourself now.”
Some studies say that the move to college is even worse than the empty nest syndrome when a child grows up and moves away completely. This is largely due to the fact that Baby Boomer generation parents are ultra-invested in everything, from the first day of preschool, to weekend soccer leagues to the last day of tutoring before SAT’s. College administrators use the term “helicopter parenting” to describe a mother and/or father that hovers to the detriment of their child’s personal growth. I know this is not a term most parents appreciate because it feels like a criticism to be an involved parent. Your child needed you to watch over them when they were younger and now college administrators are saying it is time to stop and let your child navigate for her/himself. This might feel abrupt. They are right that we should avoid excessive involvement, and you know it intellectually. But emotionally how do you prepare yourself for all the feelings of loss that you experience at this time? I believe allowing yourself to feel and talk about the sense of change and loss you are experiencing is the beginning of taking care of yourself and moving forward, which is essential to personal growth.
It’s natural to feel some sadness when a child leaves home. As an empty nester, you have the loss of normal routine caused by the absence of your loved one. When a child leaves, your everyday events and responsibilities change from being the primary caregiver to feeling a loss of purpose. More than ever, for many parents, raising children has become life’s main preoccupation. When the time comes to let your child “fly” alone, the accompanying loss of control and sense of displacement can be frightening and unsettling to parents.
When children are young, we teach them to tie their own shoes, fix their own sandwiches and eventually how to drive a car and do their own laundry. Parents spend time teaching children so that they will be independent, productive young adults. But, amid all the day-to-day care and feeding, it can be easy to lose sight of this goal. Some parents have conflicting feelings when their kids begin to venture out on their own. A mother may feel a sense of uselessness. She may find herself searching for what to do with the extra time that was spent on chauffeuring, attending school functions, hosting slumber parties, and so on. Additionally, spouses might find they have little to talk about since their children have been the focus of conversation for so many years.
It is quite normal to cry now and again or go into your child’s room in an attempt to feel closer to them. I have worked with clients that are successful, busy and confident men and woman who in fact admitted to feeling sad and lost. And there are parents who delight in their children leaving home, which does not make them uncaring parents. Everyone is different, we are a culturally diverse country, and for some, adapting to the North American style of acculturation of their children is often challenging, especially if you remained at home until you married. When I run groups on life transitions, I ask that everyone respect each others opinions, traditions, and point of views by sharing their feelings and through each person’s uniqueness a strong bond of understanding and support is developed.
