When Helen* was twenty years old, freedom was the resounding cry of her generation. Freedom took the form of burning bras, draft cards, and bridges to the older generation. Although it was the 1960s, with the world in crisis (the Vietnam War, the civil rights movement, and the women’s liberation movement), Helen wasn’t scared or anxious to grow up. In fact, she felt empowered to embrace adulthood, to change it all.
Helen’s parents had it pretty easy, too. They watched Helen grow from a kid to a teen to a young woman, sent their girl off to college, battled a bit with the “Empty Nest” syndrome and watched her graduate and become employed. They were proud. Fast forward to today: Helen is now a parent with a son named David, who seems to be a far cry from her younger self.
I’ve met hundreds of Helens before: baby-boomer females who recall growing up quickly to enter the real world, and are now parents with children who remind them nothing of themselves. Below are my observations of how today’s twentysomethings are different from the young adults of some forty years ago … and how this is affecting the “almost adults” and “Helens” of the world.
The new twentysomething is fearful to leave home.
Many children have become extremely anxious growing up post-9/11 and are not eager to grow up and leave the nest. Film footage of the World Trade Center collapse played endlessly for days and weeks after that infamous day. It impacted not only the psyche of the nation but a young generation of children and young adults—who once felt safe on American soil. The entire emotional climate of the country changed from “this could never happen here” to “when will this happen again?”
How it’s affecting parents: Parenting the emerging adult child has drastically changed. Parents are finding themselves dealing with their children’s anxiety from an early age. In my practice I have seen a dramatic increase of children referred because of fears of the dark, fears of being alone, social anxiety, and fears of attending school. Parents are bringing their children for psychotherapy for anxiety disorders more than ever before.
The new twentysomething has a dismal view of the “American Dream.”
Young adults are facing an abysmal economy with terrible job prospects. They not only feel powerless to change the world; they don’t even feel able to enter it. The world of adulthood is fraught with obstacles and dangers and when the American Dream seems to have vanished, there’s a lack of motivation to try to reach for the “stars.”
How it’s affecting parents: Just when parents thought that being mom and dad would be less demanding, they find themselves continuing to be a chauffeur, cook, and maid. Not only does your child’s dependence continue to grow, but at a time when his or her life has become filled with more commitments and activities.
For several reasons, children are opting to attend local colleges while living at home. Others return from college after one or two semesters because of not being able to make it on their own. Recent graduates will also decide to live home, not only because of financial restraints but for the feeling of security.
How it’s affecting parents: At a time when parents are ready to retire and live on a fixed income, they are now taking care of their young adult child. While it’s terrible to admit it, for some parents, this is an additional financial stress that they may have not predicted nor prepared for. Plus, forget about remodeling the extra bedroom into an office or gym. That disposable income to live out your retirement dreams is being drained.
The new twentysomething is over-indulged.
Can your child—regardless of whether they’re twenty or forty years old—accept it when mom says “no”? Probably not. The baby-boomer over-indulgent style of parenting has often been cited as a cause of our children’s difficulty to grow up. Many of the moms I’ve worked with have had a terrible time saying “NO” to their children since they were born. The pattern has been set, and, unfortunately, it may be irreversible.
