“I don’t know if I’ve ever known anyone who enjoys their children as much as you do”.
Not an off the cuff remark, the person who made this observation did so with such sincere regard that I was compelled to look at what she saw.
And I was inclined to agree. I do enjoy my children. Wholeheartedly. I have learned to honor who they are. I am in a state of unbelievable awe and unconditional respect for the way they choose to live their lives.
Since the comment implied a comparison, I thought I’d dig more deeply to see just what the difference might between someone who thoroughly enjoys their children and someone who … doesn’t quite.
First, let me disclose that I had terrific training in this area. First, my parents had the ability to help me to feel like a valued member of my family. No small stuff, that is. Additionally, as a certified professional coach, my training insists that I, “enjoy my clients immensely”, which means learning the skills to do so without judgment of them, myself, or anything for that matter. With judgment comes emotional investment. With emotional investment comes lack of objectivity. With lack of objectivity comes judgment.
Understanding the concept of accepting, nay, embracing oneself without judgment can be a bit of a stretch for many. The trouble however with not doing that, is that we end up placing unrealistic expectations on our children, set-ups for disappointing us, without even realizing we are doing so. Insidious implications, this parenting stuff.
So what’s a parent to do? There is so much worry (judgment), so much wanting (judgment), so much danger (judgment), so much concern (judgment) for our children, that it’s hard to consider that NOT being emotionally invested is even an option.
Oh, but it is. Because like all things we face in life, we have choices. It may not have occurred to you, but you can choose to not get sucked in to your child’s feelings. You can choose to take a step back and change your perception. You can choose to eliminate your-self from the equation and listen directly to what your child is telling you without weaving in your own story. You detach while creating an even stronger connection.
And that is what my children and I share: A closer connection to one another devoid of the unintended manipulation that accompanies emotional attachment.
But how, you ask? Here a few quick tips to get you started:
1.) Be your own best friend. Take steps to unconditionally accept YOU. The stronger the love you have for your amazing self, the more naturally you will find acceptance for the wonderful beings your children are. It’s not a coincidence that the happier I am with me, the easier relationships become. (Wow, magic!)
2.) Embrace the concept that your child is doing what they are capable of doing at any given time. As a teacher, I often listened to parents say “But I think he/she could do so much better”, or my personal favorite, as a young student I’d hear my teacher intone, “She’s not working up to her potential.” Guess what? I must have been, if that is what I was doing! Read that again and really think about it! Then go read about KNR!
3.) Focus on your child when they have the floor, instead of trying to be the expert of their lives. If you find yourself unable to see your child as they are rather than through the eyes of your desires, you are not spending enough time addressing your own driving needs. When your true needs are met, you can enjoy the heck out of everything. No kidding.
4.) Give yourself credit for all the love and kindness you are currently giving yourself and your child. This list isn’t intended as a chiding about your parenting, so do take time to love what already is. THEN do more of those things you’re proud of more often and consistently.
Enjoy my children? You betcha. Because I can.
(My children are young adults now, and we’ve been applying the above concepts for years. For more info on becoming more loving while detaching, check out the UnParenting Rebellion and begin your journey of creating the family life of your dreams!)
