Remember when your child first learned to talk and ask questions “Why Mommy?” “What’s that Mommy?” and you wished for a moment of peace? And now that they are older, do you often wish they would say something to you? Children don’t usually make plans to have conversations with us. We have to be physically available to them in order to stimulate conversation. If we’re with them, we’re bound to hear what’s on their minds. But if they constantly have to seek us out or wait for our schedules to open up, or if they have to contend with frequent lack of interest or diverted attention, they may stop talking. So how can we stay connected with our children?
- Be available. Children are very immediate, especially when it comes to their feelings, emotions, and worries. When your child wants to talk, do your very best to make yourself available.
- Be fully present. In a multitasking world, undivided attention is a precious commodity. Children need parents who listen with their eyes and ears. Put down the newspaper and turn off the cell phone, computer, Blackberry, iPod, car radio, television, or other distractions that dilute the conversation.
- Listen. Often our conversations are one-sided. There are so many things we need to tell and teach our children that we often fall into a pattern of directive monologues. Try just listening.
- Show Interest by Following Up. After a conversation, try to follow up. If your child was worried about a math test, ask her, “How did it go?” To remain more positive, avoid, “What grade did you get?” If she mentioned once that she would like to go rollerblading, arrange a time to skate.
In order to have open communication with your children, it’s important to first foster an atmosphere that stimulates conversation. Here are a few tips for doing so:
- Appreciate your child’s unique personality. Some children are eager to chat. Others need time to open up to conversation. Know your child and don’t push her to be something she’s not.
- Be sensitive to your child’s primary needs. If your child is hungry, headed to the bathroom, or just relaxing after a busy school day, he may not want to talk at that moment. Try to take care of his primary needs before initiating conversation.
- Allow for conversation rituals and individual preferences. Some children may need time to play quietly or hang out in their rooms before volunteering information and answering questions. Many will save their most intimate thoughts for “tuck-in time.” Even if your child no longer needs you to actually pull up the covers, lingering a bit in her room before lights-out gives her a quiet, unhurried opportunity to share her thoughts and dreams.
- Do things together. Riding in the car, having a snack at the kitchen table, and doing chores together are all good times for conversation. When people are doing things together, conversations spontaneously emerge; sharing seems less intimidating and more natural.
- Set aside time for your child. Children are more likely to initiate conversations when they sense our interest in being with them. So set aside time to spend with your child. If you’re working, set a time each day when you check in with your child and chat by phone.
- Ask questions. Many children need a little prompting or gentle questioning to help them open up and share their thoughts. Ask questions that require more than a yes or no answer. What do you think? How do you feel about … ? What would you do if … ? Help me understand … Tell me about it.
