Adjusting to the New Baby
The excitement and adjustment of a new baby in the house may naturally cause an older sibling to feel left out, abandoned, and less special—even as you reassure him or her that that isn’t the case. Many children may be jealous or tired of all the commotion and demands to “be quiet” when the baby is asleep. After a few weeks of having her new baby home, one mother was enjoying rocking the infant when her preschooler asked matter-of-factly, “When is that baby going back to the hospital?”
Sibling Rivalry
What is sibling rivalry? All children want the love and attention of their parents, and when a new child arrives, parents must divide their attention out of necessity. It’s important to remember that a child’s feelings of jealousy and fears of abandonment can exist simultaneously with feelings of love and pleasure about the new baby. They don’t know that the new baby isn’t a replacement.
Much to our dismay, this sibling love/hate often continues throughout their adult lives. Many siblings will adamantly protect each other from the real world, but all’s fair at home, including name-calling, unauthorized “borrowing,” and pulling hair. So how do you minimize these feelings of conflict?
- Remember your own experiences and feelings as a sibling. If you were an only child, talk to friends about their sibling relationships and remember that sibling differences are natural.
- Show your child pictures from her “babyhood” to illustrate the love and attention you gave her when she was an infant. Tell her stories about all the baby things she did.
- Every child is different. It’s actually amazing that two children born of the same parents could be so different without having been switched at birth. Try to understand rather than compare and judge.
- Make special dates with your child and try to keep his or her schedule as much as possible.
- Integrate your child in the care routine of the infant. Make one of the baby’s daytime naps a special time to spend with your older child. During at least two feedings a day, have your child join you to read a book or go over homework.
- Ask family and close friends to bring a small gift for the older sibling or to take her out for a special treat.
Individual Differences in Reactions
Why is it more difficult for some children to adjust to a new sibling? The University of Michigan Health System suggests many factors that can contribute to a hard adjustment:
- Research indicates that a child’s personality has the greatest effect on how he or she reacts to a new baby.
- Children with the closest relationships with their mothers show the most upset after the baby is born.
- Children with a close relationship with their father seem to adjust better.
- Your child’s developmental stage may affect how well they can share your attention. Often two-year-olds have more trouble getting used to a new baby because their needs for time and closeness from their parents are still great.
- Stress on the family can make your older child’s adjustment harder.
Children’s Books About Adjusting to a New Baby
There are many great children’s books available about pregnancy, birth, adoption, and new baby siblings. Reading together will help your child realize her feelings and ideas are normal and that no matter what happens, you love her in a very special way and always will.
Toddler books:
- My New Baby, by Annie Kubler
- We Have a Baby, by Cathryn Falwel. Simple text and illustrations.
- The New Baby, by Fred Rogers. Nice photos of families working together and sharing.
- Our New Baby, by Wendy Cheyette Lewison. Great photos and simple text for very young children.
Preschooler books:
- Baby Brother, by Tanneke Wigersma, illustrated by Nynke Mare Talsma. This is a straightforward, simple, and sweet book about what a baby in the house means.
