Are there rules about gifts for stepparents? Many of us are now “combined” families and are faced with this dilemma with our kids are in the middle. Our ex’s are still parts of our lives whether we like it or not. Then when we all add new spouses into the mix it gets even more complicated.
During my first marriage, I was the one that always made sure extended family had birthday cards, presents, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day ... etc. This habit continued even after the marriage ended, as our children were young and it had become I suppose routine. As the years passed it began to get to expensive and let’s face it—our lives move forward. Somehow sending some distant cousin a card that never sends one to you became a last priority and then ultimately the practice just stopped.
After remarrying, I reluctantly stepped into the “Step-Gifting” as I just found very little affirmation in buying a mother’s day card for a woman that only sees my kids only once a month. Sure, she is a great gal and I actually like her and appreciate her, but isn’t this a normal kind of weirdness? Why am I paying for this card or gift? Gifts for step-kids—of course! They are family! So—is this really just about a mother’s day card? No. Of course it is more complicated.
My new husband was shocked to learn that I had continued buying Father’s Day and Mother’s Day cards for my ex’s parents for almost three years after we separated and then divorced. He had divorced when his son was tiny, so he never did this. My first reaction was perhaps it was a “guy” thing. Then I started asking around to discover that I was not the only one with this dilemma.
My husband left it up to the man that took his wife from him to buy her birthday presents, Mother’s Day cards and so forth. This worked until his son got old enough to want to buy his mom something special “just from him” and of course this meant that he’d be footing the bill. It is hard to look into those eyes and say “NO” because you realize that the kid really wants to do something nice for his mom and then you have to get over your anger and give in.
I suppose circumstances that cause a divorce can color the actual happenstance that evolves as a result. Me? I didn’t want to be the bad guy and I didn’t want my ex to look bad either. Our circumstances obviously were different. I wanted my kids to know their dad and form their own opinions of him, which they did over time. It was not long before they compared their lives to those of other children in divorce, realizing he was choosing to not be in their lives much. It was only a matter of time that I eventually tired of always financing the superficial love fest that occurred on father’s day or any other holiday.
My big Ah-Ha moment was when my oldest came in and demanded to know if Santa was real. I took a deep breath and asked her why she was asking. She said “Because every year I ask for what I want and instead of getting what I want I get lots of little things which are nice, but not that one special thing. I appreciate my presents but I just wonder about the fact that there can’t be a real Santa if he always gets it wrong.” Wow.
You are wondering how I handled it. I went with honesty. At that time I was a single, disabled mom with limited funds. Those limited funds had to cover presents from Santa, presents from me, presents “from” their dad, as well as the other way around to include presents to their dad and step mom. Spread so thin, this Santa couldn’t make that dream gift a reality.
