Do you wish your husband would share his feelings with you more? Join the crowd! This is one of the most common complaints women have about their husbands. They wonder, Why do men clam up and isolate themselves from the pregnancy? Well, it’s mostly because of the pent-up feelings I’ll discuss.
Here’s the first one:
We Feel Responsible.
Pregnancy is all our fault. A loving husband often says to himself during pregnancy, “Jeez, here’s my lovely wife, puking nonstop; she can’t sleep at night, her back is killing her, her hair’s falling out, and the only relief she’ll get from this pregnancy is through an excruciating childbirth!”
But it doesn’t stop there. Seeing his wife needs extra help and that he’s in a position to protect her, the expectant dad will often feel it’s his obligation to make sure the pregnancy and birth go off without a hitch. What if something bad happens to my wife or baby during pregnancy? he thinks. What if I’m so nervous that I get in a wreck while driving my wife to the hospital while she’s in labor? What if the baby comes so fast that I have to deliver it myself?
Here’s what other dads have shared with me:
My fear is about not knowing what to do. What do I do when our baby cries and my wife’s not around?
I’m afraid that I won’t meet my wife’s standards and expectations. And also that I will let our son down by not knowing what his needs are.
I’m afraid there will be something wrong with our baby.
I keep worrying that I’ll miss the birth.
We Feel Afraid and Intimidated, but Can’t Express it.
It’s a slam-dunk that your husband has fears of this type, too. Of course, so do you—you’re probably also afraid of stepping into your new role as a mother and making sure your kids have what they need. It’s a big job, no matter how much your finances, family, or friends can help with it.
But keep in mind that as a mom, you’re allowed more of an outlet for your fears because your friends and family will not consider you “unwomanly” if you express those feelings. What’s more, you can counterbalance talking about your fears of motherhood by talking about the delights of motherhood with other women and with your husband.
There are hardly any books or classes for dads: across the country, the services for new and expectant moms far outnumber those for dads. In the parenting section of any bookstore, you’ll find the shelves stuffed with books geared toward moms, but hardly any for dads.
While you’re pregnant, your husband may feel more comfortable opening up to some other men who are already fathers, so you could help by suggesting he hook up with another expectant dad, or a dad with young kids. Your husband may have met a guy he could be friends with at your childbirth class, and they may have even exchanged phone numbers, but since they’re guys, they’ve probably never called each other!
If you want to get your husband to share his feelings with you as well as with other men, then you must share some parenting activities with him, starting right now. Otherwise, he’ll probably take on a grin-and-bear-it, stiff-upper-lip attitude toward parenting for the rest of his life. Validating his feelings and encouraging his involvement by asking him to participate is a good start toward effective communication habits and strong team parenting. For example, you can involve your husband in activities such as prenatal checkups, getting your sonogram, birthing classes, the baby shower registry and the baby shower, learning how to use new equipment, and the birth (cutting the umbilical cord).
When the baby is born, don’t underestimate the importance of cutting the umbilical cord if your husband tells you he wants to do it. Make sure one of you tells the doctor before, during, and after the birth that he really wants to do this, because doctors can forget.
