Everyone is fond of espousing his or her preferred parenting techniques. I notice people are especially fond of sharing these techniques when your children, or rather you, aren’t behaving how these people think you ought. Even more so if they are utter strangers, and still more likely if you did not ask at all.
Say, for example, you have four children with you at the store, three of whom are practicing for their audition for the Broadway show The Whining Sisters. And say, for example, you state, in utter exasperation, “I will get all of you the light up ring pops if you sit in the cart quietly while we finish shopping!”
In this case, a stranger might pipe up and say, “Bribery doesn’t teach them to be good for goodness’ sake! The well-known Dutch author and parenting expert Dr. Hasnochildrenofhisown says if you model behavior and blah blah blah and still more blah that has no actual meaning in a real life situations!”
After you finish modeling “if looks could kill,” you model “restraint” and say simply, “I’ll make sure we look up that book next time we go terrorize the library with our presence.”
Then you model “creative cursing” and “incomplete sentences” by muttering, “Stinking...succotash...with flapping...hinges and dog dog dog dog dog dog dog.”
Now, I started out this parenting gig with excellent intentions. I was going to do it all right, you see. I was not going to make those mistakes, of course. My children and I would work as well together as peanut butter and jelly. They’d be models of “why you should stop birth control” and I’d never even raise my voice. I read reviews, did some research, and selected the One True Expert who Had All the Answers and who would Guide Me Toward True Parental Gnosis.
I began my quest for Parental Gnosis by trying to follow The Book. The Book, in my case, was Dr. Sears. I wanted to parent in a loving way that had structure, but never made my kid feel bad.
(SNORT!)
I know. Laugh away. It’s cool. I know you are laughing with me because if you are a parent, I bet you dollars to low-fat Weight Watchers one point carrot cake (doughnuts being out) that, at least with your first, you, too, never wanted to make your child feel bad.
But then...the child pulled the cat’s tail, or dumped your egg carton on the kitchen floor (more than once) (because you are a slow learner), or black markered your beige suede side chair or whatever it was that rendered you terribly human with a really loud voice and angry words.
You saw your small child cower in surprise, and yes, perhaps a tiny bit of fear of this Deranged Parent, and part of you grieved while the other part of you reeled in shocked triumph.
The Nice Voice and Nice Words had reached a power limit, and you found the new power: Mad Mom who Means Business and You Better Freaking Believe It or Else Serious Logical Consequences and I’m SO NOT KIDDING.
You discovered the power of kneeling eyeball-to-eyeball with your mischievous tot and saying, in a low, calm, but serious voice, “This is a WARNING...do not do blah blah blah again or...” and you let your voice trail off while your eyes make threats.
You discovered the power of bribery. The power of limits and boundaries. And your parenting evolved.
At least mine did. My husband’s too. By the time the second one came along, we both swore—in the same way we did to Always Lovingly and Always Kindly Parent our First Precious Angel—to not repeat the mistakes we made in that initial well-intended quest to be Perfect Parents.
For example, the second one would learn that the crib was not for clothing storage! It was a bed! For her! She had her own bed! In her own room! Where she slept! Without mom and dad! Sometimes! Before kindergarten...
