The way I view giving is that giving and receiving are intertwined: you can’t separate the end from the means. By this I mean that when we give to others, we also simultaneously give to ourselves. Likewise, what we give to others we also give to ourselves. And the attitude by which we give? That, too, is not only sent out to others, but is also directed towards our own being.
I was thinking about this and the years I gave to my family with much resentment and bitterness. These were the years I lived as a Mommy martyr, where I viewed my self worth as a mother and wife through the lens of sacrifice. Giving propped up my self esteem; I needed to give in order to feel good about myself. The problem with this scenario is that you can only give what you are. So if you are filled with resentment, anger and bitterness, as I was, guess what you give? Resentment, anger and bitterness. Your recipients—your family, community, and friends—will feel this. Giving with a grateful heart, by contrast, does just the opposite. Your recipients will also feel this and respond accordingly.
Have you ever received a present from someone that felt dutiful, or even inappropriate? Have you ever gotten a compliment that didn’t seem sincere? Have you asked for a favor, but then found that the person who agreed to help you didn’t follow through 100%? How did you feel? I’m betting you felt a bit icky inside. Why? You were feeling the feelings that came along with the gift.
Think about this from your own standpoint: have you ever said yes when you wanted to say no, and then only fulfilled your obligation in a half-hearted manner? Have you given gifts when you didn’t want to give, and so you found a way to fulfill your “duty” without sincerity, such as giving the smallest amount possible, or buying something cheap just to give something?
Contrast these experiences with giving from a place of true generosity: think of the delight you feel when you give generously; when you do something just because, without a feeling of obligation; when you offer your family your love, time and attention in a way that meets your needs, and theirs.
Our children are attentive and perceptive. They are watching our every move. They learn how we live. If I am living a life of bitter sacrifice, what am I teaching them? I’m teaching them that being a mother is a miserable, self sacrificing role; that you can’t count on others to help meet your needs; that you are only valuable as a person if you’re giving to others; that your own needs don’t count. Perhaps worst of all, I’m teaching them that they are the cause of my unhappiness. Ouch.
Contrast this list with what I teach them when I take the opportunity to care for myself excellently, so that I’m giving from a place of abundance, joy and ease: I’m teaching them that we are each responsible for our own happiness; that you can rely on others to support you; that being a mother brings joy, as well as intentional, freely offered sacrifice; that your self worth and value has nothing to do with what you give or do.
These are the lessons I wish to teach my children. How about you?
