In response to Only Real Men Can Wear Pink, one mother wrote:
“… it’s inevitable that children will be exposed to generalizations and that peer pressure will soon alter their behavior. (Hence, my son wanting approval from his boy friends who think mermaids are sissy girl games, so he doesn’t play with them in front of them anymore.) My son’s teacher said to me today that most boys are fascinated by guns and rough play and that it amazes her that my son loved mermaids and princess games before he came to this school last September. I thought that interesting.”
True, it is indeed normal that boys gravitate to warlike activity. On the other hand, it is not uncommon for boys to be attracted to the feminine and to be gentle, kind, sympathetic, compassionate, and nurturing—as well as warlike. Most of us have both the warlike and the nurturing in us. We are mixtures, and thank God. (Or thank natural selection or intelligent design—or just be thankful.)
True, it is also normal for children to feel the pressure of the group and to change their behavior accordingly. This is the natural dynamic behind group inclusion and exclusion—peer pressure. It is a necessary and valuable pressure for all individuals. At the same time, it is also normal for a person to individuate. All of us (none more than school kids) live in the tension between these two: what we most want to be and what the group seems to want or need us to be. It is, more or less, a healthy tension.
True, it is normal that a group of humans will try to elevate what is common to the status of the way things should be. While this dynamic serves a healthy function, it also has its downside of inhibiting constructive contributions of the less common. One of the strengths, in fact, of American culture is its tendency to value the contributions of the unusual. Nonetheless, especially in schools, the pressure for conformity can be powerfully inhibiting.
So how do you know which is the case for your child?
The 51-49 Principle.
Everything we do stems from a complex mixture of forces operating within us and outside us. I learned in 8th grade science that when I lift my right arm, it goes up, not because the up muscles are working and the others are not, but because the muscles on top are pulling harder than the muscles below. “Otherwise …” said my 8th grade teacher with her arms flailing in weird disturbing ways, “we would be out of control.” So many of our actions are not 100 percent-to-zero, but are the result of 51-49 decisions. A slight change in conditions and the decision might have gone the other way.
Normal verses Healthy.
It is important for us to make the distinction between normal and healthy. Humans killing other humans is sadly normal for humans—but that does not mean that this is the way we want to live. Most of us keep hoping to find another way. Does that mean that we have to try to stomp out the warrior in our children? No. That’s one of the worst ways.
Your son is not alone in the confrontation of his own peculiar set of interests, likes, dislikes, and proclivities with the interests and peculiarities of a group. Everybody is peculiar. It seems to be natural for us to get validation by finding that others are just like us. On the other hand, it is also natural for us to want to stand out and to feel, “There is no one else like me, and I am so proud that I get to be this person.”
It is also important to remember that what is normal for one group is peculiar for another group. Group identity and norms are the result of a unique set of factors, one of which is leadership. It is a certainty that your son’s class has at least one dominant male whose warlike tendencies are dominant in him.
